


American Psycho/American Beauty

by prettysweet



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Cheating, F/M, M/M, Making Out, Rich!Phil, Trust Issues, Vaginal Sex, bamf!dan, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-09-14 05:33:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9164326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysweet/pseuds/prettysweet
Summary: Dan, the new bad boy, who has been attending Phil’s high school for only a week has girls all over him and everyone knows he fucks girls almost everyday. Two weeks later Dan takes a liking for Phil. They fuck. Dan fucks other people. Phil doesn’t.





	1. Irresistible

**Author's Note:**

> dont forget to hit that kudos button bc i love to be validated (comments r kinda nice 2)

Dan marched up the stone steps to a uncoloured high school. He walked straight to the administrative office and started talking to the sweet lady who gave him a locker and a timetable. Dan looked at it once and dumped it in the bin, strutting to his next class. He waltzed in with a kick in his step and ignored the teachers greetings as he sat at the back of the class and kicked his black [converse](http://www.polyvore.com/irresistible/set?id=201839454) onto the desk in front of him. As soon as Dan walked in a silence graced the class, cutting into them and slicing them up, setting up for Dan to kick down. The words badass motherfucker came to mind.

“Dan Howell?” The teacher who wore a sheer pink top at the front of the class asked. Dan imagined her sheer pink top turning dark and crippling apart, like a black rose shrivelling up, like her mind in two weeks time where her secret wine stash would invite itself into her bloodstream, helping her deal with the storm known as Dan Howell. Too far?

“Fuckin’ here,” Dan shouted as he tilted his head back to the ceiling, pretending to look bored but the faces on the students around him couldn’t keep him more amused. The teacher sighed and gave Dan a detention even though she knew he wouldn’t attend.

The bell for the next class rang and Dan jogged out of the class, finding it hard to put his leg more than 10 inches in front of the other from the tightness of his badass jeans. He muttered finally before walking down the corridor, with more confidence than a super hero, explosions in the background and all. Dan stopped at his locker but found a better option at a locker a few feet away that was occupied by a girl with skin tight, ripped jeans and a revealing red v neck. Her brown hair was teased into a clump on her hair and dark eyeshadow that looked it was done the night before. _Victim No. 1._

Dan smoothly leant against the locker next to hers. “Class starts in about 20 seconds, planning on skipping?” Dan asked.

“I’m fine with being late,” the girl told him. “Who even are you?! And why are you talking to me?” Dan picked up that girl was a little… grumpy.

“Look, I’m new. Mind showing me around?” Dan smirked down at her as she kept rummaging through her locker. The girl looked up at him, the dark eyeshadow around her eyes making her green eyes pop.

“Fine,” the girl grumbled.

“I couldn’t have picked a prettier ass to show me around,” Dan smirked.

“Excuse me?” the girl said with arrogance.

“I said I like your jeans. They hug your legs really nicely,” Dan laughed s the pair strolled down the corridor.

“Ugh,” the girl scoffed. “This is the science room on your left.”

“My name’s Dan,” Dan introduced himself.

“I’m Becca.”

“Pretty name.” The girl blushed and Dan congratulated himself after another victory. Another girl who started gushing over him within minutes. He’d set up another heart to smash, another medal to earn, another vag to break. “So, as I literally don’t care about where anything is in this shit school, how about you come over to my place?”

“You want to have sex?” Dan was taken a little bit back, he’d never met a girl so straight forward, he loved it.

“You’re unbelievably pretty. And I’m kind of feeling stressed so I mean, wouldn’t it be a win/win situation?” Dan worked his moves on her and before he knew it they were sitting in Dan’s sports car and driving well over the speed limit to his house. Both his parents were at work so he knew he had the house to himself, so he could practically do it _anywhere._

“Here we are. So where do you want to do it? The table? The couch? I have an island bench in the kitchen?”

~

A week later and my tally of girls Dan had fucked had grown to eight. Eight girls, three of them knew Dan’s games, which was surprising, they didn’t talk to him or feel any sort of anger towards him like they usually would. They knew Dan’s game, fucking only. The other five however… Some kept chasing. Some were angry at Dan for tricking them into thinking he was romantically interested in them. Dan knew his games were sick, but it was the only thing people respected him for.

Dan’s phone rang on his bedside table as he lay in bed. He still was in a post orgasm haze. His breath was still becoming steady and the layer of sweat that coated his body was only just drying up. He stared at the ceiling and focused on his breathing. It was moments like this where the regret would come flooding back and he wished that he was a normal person who didn’t lose their virginity at 14. He wished he was a normal seventeen year old, maybe falling on love for the first time or maybe even losing his virginity for the first time. That’s what other seventeen year olds did, right? The ringing stopped and Dan was thankful, but then it started again. Dan grunted and picked the phone.

“Hello Anastasia, what a lovely time to call,” Dan said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Anastasia had been the second person he’d fucked while attending Northshore High. She’d known his games and was probably the girl he liked most, not because of her experience or looks, but because of her understanding.

“It is… Are your parents home?” The girl whispered.

“They come home in exactly forty two minutes. Get your ass over here,” Dan brooded down the line. “Oh, and are you really that wet that you have to call twice within seconds of each other?”

“See you soon, Dan.”

~

Dan grunted as he slammed into the girl once more, reaching his climax and spilling into a condom for the second time that night. He pulled out and tossed the girl onto her back.

“Shit,” Dan panted. “Go,” he puffed. “Parents going to be back in like 20 seconds.” The quickly shrugged back on her dress and bounced down the stairs, leaving a blissful Dan to think about how amazing she was. Dan loved how easy it was to get off with Anastasia. She’d come and go without fuss. Minutes later a sweet voice rang through the house.

“Dinner’s in half an hour!” Dan’s mother yelled. Dan smiled and got up and got dressed. He adjusted his appearance in the mirror and tried to straighten his now curly hair with his fingers. They stayed curly. Dan trotted down stairs and greeted his mother.

“Hey, mom,” Dan said, going over to her mother who was cooking and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

“Oh, hello darling. How was school?”

“It was okay.”

“Made any friends yet?” Dan’s fingers traced the stone bench as he thought about his answer. He’d once gotten drunk with some guys but he wouldn’t call them friends… Everyone in the school liked him… Not liked him, more like knew him. And then he had his girls…

“A couple,” Dan answered.

“Was that girl one of them?” Dan’s mother questioned.

“Christine Howell. One detective you are,” Dan laughed.

“As she walked down the streets she just had a ‘Dan Howell is really nice’ face on. She was almost screaming it!” Dan laughed. He loved his mom very much and their time together was spent wisely and with a smile plastered on the pairs face. Even though Dan had the time of his life with his mother, she didn’t know about all of the sleeping around Dan did, if she knew, he would definitely not have as much fun with his mother.

“Your jacket came in the mail today, it looks quite, what do they call it? Badass?” Dan smiled and picked up the already [unpackaged jacket](http://www.polyvore.com/irresistible/set?id=201839090). Dan shrugged it on and like that he looked so Seattle but felt so LA. “You’re irresistible, darling.”

“Thanks mom,” I smiled as I turned around and posed, holding the fitting jacket’s collar and trying to look as brooding as possible.

“Oh, the hearts you’ll break,” Dan’s mother giggled. Dan giggled with her and started to help her with cooking dinner.

~ 1st person ~

I strutted into school wearing my new jacket and felt like a fucking god. Obviously, I was, but today I felt that it was heightened. I felt taller, more proud an like no one could ever fucking mess with me. I strolled down the corridor, feeling several girls eyes turn to look and stare at me. I’d also added smudges of black eyeshadow. I turned a corner and ran right into a lanky guy with black hair and bright blue eyes. He also had a giant nose.

“I’m sorry!” The guy panted. “Oh my god I’m so sorry.”

“No problem,” I said as I bent down to help him pick up the papers he’d dropped.

The guy looked up at me and our eyes met. It was at this moment I knew I had to get this guy in bed. His eyes were beautiful, not mention his manly shoulders and slightly deep voice. God, he was handsome.

“Hey, we should hang out some time,” I suggested, determined to get in this guys pants. I rarely got with guys so Phil better consider himself lucky.

“We should?” He questioned. “We should. Right. Well, I’m Phil.” Phil said awkwardly.

“I’m Dan but a number might be helpful?” I laughed, god, this guy was cute.

“Of co-course,” Phil stuttered, pulling out his phone and typing in my number.

“Well, see you around, Phil,” the words rolled off my tongue fluidly and I hoped that he got my drift.

~

I met up with Phil a couple days later and to say he was awkward was an understatement. I didn’t really mind though, he for sure had a hot body and that’s what I was here for, (at least thats what I told myself.) He was really sweet though, and even paid for my meal. He was kind and he deserved more than a fuck, he deserved are than me. He deserved a proper relationship, and that I couldn’t give him. But I honestly forgot. I forgot to tell him that I was here for a fuck, that I was here for pleasure, and that I wasn’t about romantic relationships or even friendships. I forgot to tell him never to wear that awful [pokemon shirt ](http://www.polyvore.com/irresistible/set?id=202224813)again. I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to give him my number or to not kiss his cheek when I dropped him off at his house. While with Phil, I forgot about a lot of things, I forgot that I was supposed to be smooth and sexy and that I had a million insecurities. While with Phil, I was so much more happier.

~

“Fuck! Shit, I’m gonna cum!” Mckenzie, a new one night stand, screamed as I pounded into her. Sweat covered my body as I grunted and moaned. I griped onto her hips as I made her cum and with a few more thrusts I was coming into my condom. I slipped out of her and rolled onto my side and I panted. After a couple minutes Mckenzie was getting dressed and hopping down stairs and walking herself home. I got up and showered before hearing my phone ring.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Dan! It’s me Phil,” Phil cheerily spoke down the line.

“Oh, hey Phil, what’s up?”

“Nothing much, um, I was just wondering if you wanna hang out?”

~ Phil’s POV ~

“What?!” Pj gushed as I told him about Dan. “He kissed your cheek?!” I nodded and blushed. “No. Fucking. Way. Dan Howell does not kiss people’s cheeks! He’s fucks then moves on, fucks, then moves on. And he’s hot as fuck! How did _you_ of all people get him?” Peej ranted.

“Thanks,” I replied, sarcastically.

“You just don’t seem like the type for him. He’s a fucking badass. I’d be honoured to be fucked by him.”

“So you think he’ll fuck me?”

“Of course he’s going to fuck you! But don’t get attached, he’ll fuck other people. I just don’t know why’d he would be so nice to you. Maybe it’s just what he does these days. Or maybe he’s trying to have a relationship, finally. He’s been doing this for three years straight.”

“How do you know all this? He moved in like two weeks ago.”

“He’s used to live in LA before moving here. He turns 16 in a month. He’s slept with around 12 girls in the time he’s been here. And my cousin knows him, everyone knows him. Look at his Instagram, 77k followers! The dudes a ledgend. But, he’s horrible, picks up people then dumbs them. He had a relationship last year with a girl called Britney. They broke up because he cheated on her about eight times. My cousin, Xander, slept with him. They never dated but he wished they did.”

“Great. So basically I have a crush on a guy who’s definitely not emotionally available.”

“Basically.” I sighed and fell back onto my pillow. “But has he ever kissed a guy on the cheek before?”

“I told Xander that and he thought it was a different Dan. It’s unheard of,” Peej informed him. Phil thought about it, even he knew he was a giant nerd. He had awful fashion sense and his hair was complete trash. Dan would never date him, but Dan would never fuck him either.

“Dan would never fuck or date me. Maybe it’s a prank? ‘Who can get in Phil Lester’s pants first?’” Phil suggested.

“True, but about two people in the entire school know who you are… including me. I say you go fuck that boy,” Peej chuckled. “Make him bottom.”

~ Third Person ~

Dan smirked and replied, “Sure. Come over, yeah?” Dan sat back on his bed. Dan was going to sleep with Phil. Dan had waited and waited for this too happen, it was only a couple days but usually he could get someone within ten minutes. Phil was different, Phil was special. First of all, Phil was a guy, Dan never slept with guys… except for that one time…and that other time… but other than that Phil was it. That’s only three guys compared to the 70 girls he’d had sex with.

Dan texted Phil his address and waited eagerly. Dan forgot that the Dan Howell™ brand didn’t do eager. But as he said, Phil was special, Dan didn’t have a crush on him, he just felt a little bit more for Phil. It had happened before, it was fine. Everything was completely under control.

Dan heard his doorbell buzz and he bounced down the stairs, his nerves all over the place.

“Hey,” Dan answered. “Come in.”

“Why are you out of breath?” Phil asked as he noticed Dan panting.

“Ran down the stairs,” he chuckled.

“Not the sporty type, huh?”

“Not really,” Dan smiled, kind of happy with the small talk. He was surprised he could talk at all with his heart doing literal backflips inside of his chest.

“I’m not either,” Phil laughed.

“So, do you want to watch a movie or something?” Dan asked, leading Phil into the lounge room.

“Um, sure,” Phil replied, a little surprised that they didn’t cut right to the chase. Dan opened the cabinet to the movies with a slam, which snapped him out of his friendly mood and put him back in his place. Dan smirked, the corner of his lips turning up. He slammed in fifty shades of grey into the CD player and hit play. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“It’s a good film?” Dan suggested.

“It’s the worst film ever, the music is good and well timed but the writing is ridiculous. And of course you don’t fucking introduce a person you’ve known for two weeks to your fucking play room? And who even has those? And a fucking contract?” Phil ranted.

“So… not in the mood?” Dan laughed.

“Depends if I’m watching that ass or this stupid film,” Phil commented, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Excuse me, Mr. Smooth!” Dan said surprised at Phil’s comebacks, he didn’t know someone so nerdy could be that sassy.

“What are you going to do? Smirk at me?” Phil laughed, smirking.

“I could say the same for you,” Dan commented walking up to Phil.

“Did I ever tell you that I’m 18? And how old are you, Dan? 16? 15?”

“I turn 16 in a month thank you very much! Smart ass,” Dan muttered under his breath. “And I definitely have more experience than you, so fuck off!”

“How many guys you slept with? Ever ate someone out? Ever fucked someone in a public bathroom?” Phil growled, hovering over Dan, even though they were only an inch in height difference.

“Two, no and no. Have you?” Dan asked, his face an inch away.

“Why don’t we fuck and you can let yourself guess?” Phil whispered, before slamming his lips on Dan’s. Phil kissed Dan, holding onto his waist, the kisses getting messier and more sloppy by the second. Dan slung his arms around Phil, slipping his tongue against Phil’s lips begging for entrance. Phil parted his lips but almost instantly fought Dan’s tongue, and eventually won over. Phil moved his kisses down Dan’s jaw, then to his neck, nipping and sucking at one spot, guaranteed to leave a mark. Dan let out a soft moan, and his breathing hitched as Phil bit down on that spot. Hickeys were another thing Dan didn’t do, he did them on other people, but he never let anyone mark him. But Phil was special.

Phil slipped his hands underneath [Dan’s shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/irresistible/set?id=201839950), and let his warm hands roam around, exploring every bit of Dan’s stomach. Phil eventually let go of Dan as he lifted up his shirt and off of him, throwing it across the room.

“Fuck me,” Dan panted, taking off Phil’s shirt as well. “Please,” he begged. Phil smirked and laid Dan across the couch. “No, no, bedroom.” The pair ran up to Dan’s bedroom where Phil then laid Dan down and straddled his thighs, kissing down his torso. As Phil’s lips explored Dan’s body he nipped and sucked and left bites every where. He got to Dan’s nipples and licked over over one of them while tweaking the other with his space hand. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and breathed heavily, his nipples were so goddamn sensitive, it almost _hurt._

Phil giggled and started kissing Dan’s stomach. Phil shuffled down Dan’s legs, taking his jeans with him. Phil started unbuttoning Dan’s jeans so he could easily slip them off. Phil got up and threw Dan’s jeans across the room. Dan just laid there and let Phil do what he wanted to him. Phil then took off Dan’s boxer briefs and let his red and leaking cock spring free. Cold air hit Dan’s member and he gasped. Phil blew hot air onto Dan’s dick, before licking a strip up the length. Phil started gently sucking on the tip and Dan let out a moan. Phil went down, humming as he did. Dan scrunched up his face as the pleasure shook through him. Phil started bobbing his head and sucking. Dan softly moaned as he felt Phil do this to him. This went on for another minute before Dan had to tell Phil to stop as he was so, _so_ close to climax.

Phil hovered over Dan and started kissing him again, his tongue gently sliding over his bottom lip and gently biting.

“You got lube?” Phil asked.

“Bottom draw,” Dan told him. Phil reached over Dan, gently brushing Dan’s sensitive nipples, and opened the draw. He saw various sex toys, all aimed at males.

“You’d think you’d get enough pleasure?” Phil laughed holding up a prostate stimulator.

“Shut up! Girls can’t give me what a guy can, or rather, what those can,” Dan said, blushing. Phil picked up the rather large bottle of lube and set it down on the bed.

“So you’re basically orgasming 24/7?” Phil asked, pouring lube on his fingers, which he rubbed around to warm it up. He lowered a hand down beneath Dan’s balls and traced around is rim.

“Basic-ally,” Dan moaned as Phil pushed in a digit. “Do you always engage- ah- in small talk when fingering someone?” Dan asked.

“Always,” Phil smiled, leaning down to kiss Dan. Phil curled the finger inside Dan’s walls and gently pushed it in and out. After a moment, Phil added another and Dan scrunched up his face, feeling pleasure wash over him.

“F-uck,” Dan cursed. “More.” Phil added another, thrusting the three in and and curling them against his walls while unbuttoning his jeans. Impressive.

“You ready?” Dan frantically nodded and Phil slipped on a condom and lubed himself up. Phil positioned himself at Dan’s hole and gently pushed the tip in. Dan’s breathing became irregular as he waited for Phil to push all the way in. Phil slowly slid in, teasing Dan.

“Hurry up!” Dan moaned, getting impatient.

“I knew you’d be a bossy bottom,” Phil teased, but Dan was too lost in bliss to respond as Phil was slowly thrusting in and out of his hole. Phil started picking up his pace, throwing Dan’s legs over his hips as he pounded into Dan. Phil tried different positions, trying to find Dan’s spot.

“Ah! Shit, shit, shit,” Dan moaned whorishly as Phil hit his spot repeatedly. “Fuck, I’m close!” Phil smiled as he started thrusting faster and harder, trying for them both to reach climax. Dan came before Phil with a very load moan that the neighbours on both sides heard. Phil kept pounding into Dan’s sensitive spot, trying to orgasm. A few messily timed thrusted and he came, grunting and collapsing on top of Dan. After a moment of two of panting and calming down, Phil pulled out and through his condom in the bin. He collapsed onto back next to Dan and Dan tucked himself into Phil, curling up and let Phil cuddle him. Phil kissed his sweaty forehead and traced invisible patterns onto him. Alerts were going off in his head, Dan Howell doesn’t cuddle…he was just too content to refuse it.

~

“So? What happened?!” Peej almost yelled, three hours later when Phil returned from Dan’s house. “You were going three hours? What the hell?” Phil hung up his coat and fell on to the couch.

“Hello, Mum!” Phil greeted his mother from the other room. “It’s nice to see you here too, Pj,” Phil commented sarcastically.

“Oh my god just tell me already, I’m desperate!!”

“Fine,” Phil gave in, taking off his shoes and shining his long legs onto the couch. Peej waited eagerly. “Well I went to his house and I was surprised that we didn’t get down to it straight away. He like ‘wanna watch a movie?’ because he fucking smooth. Then we PUT ON FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. Can you believe this guy?”

“I mean, it’s Dan Howell for christ’s sake.”

“Well then we just kind of teased each other and flirted then we got really close then I kissed him.”

“You kissed or he kissed?!”

“Who’s kissing who?” Phil’s mother asked, walking into the room carrying a tray of cookies and milk.

“Phil kissed a popular guy at school,” Peej laughed.

“Well…uh… I hope he liked it?” Ms Lester said awkwardly, which caused Phil and Pj to laugh. “Anyway, heres some store bought cookies and milk.” The boys thanked Ms Lester before returning to the conversation.

“Anyway, I kissed him. Then we started making out then we went to his bedroom and did the do,” Phil blushed.

“You top?”

“Of course, he’s such a bottom. But he has… a lot of…sex toys. Like, a lot. And a lot of them are for males.”

“You’d think he’d get enough pleasure,” Pj laughed.

“That’s what I said. And then after the whole ordeal, the weirdest thing happened.

“Oh!! Oh!! Tell me!!”

“We cuddled,” Phil whispered, almost not believing it himself. Once Pj heard what Phil said he pretended to faint.

“WHAT! YOU?! CUDDLED?!”

“Yep!”

“Are you sure that was Dan Howell you’re talking about? Dan fucking Howell DOES NOT CUDDLE. Girls are at his house for like half an hour max. He must head over heels for you then.”

“And we slept for two and a half hours,” Phil told Pj. Pj was almost dead at this point.

“YOU LUCKY BOY!” He screamed, reaching over and hugging Phil. “You won over the most stone cold person ever. He’s got a soft spot for you!” Pj teased, poking Phil’s tummy.

“Shut up! Nothings official yet.”

~

Phil walked into school the next Monday morning, a little nervous. A little nervous because he was seeing Dan Howell, a guy he slept with and cuddled and Dan let him stay as long as he wanted. Phil knew he was different from all the other one night stands, Dan had treated him like a boyfriend. A proper one and you can’t expect for Phil to not fall in love.

He saw Dan walking towards him, a smirk painted on his face, his eyebrows in perfect fuck boy shape. He wasn’t the Dan the fell asleep in Phil’s arms the day before, but he still had hope. Hope that he wouldn’t be one of Dan’s broken hearts. How many did he have now? Probably thousands and Phil didn’t want to be lost in a sea of them.

When Phil was just about to say something, Dan walked straight past him, and almost in slow motion, latched his ever pink, long lasting, tracked, perfumed lips onto… another. Another girl. Another bimbo, another person. That person wasn’t Phil. Phil wasn’t apart of Dan, he never was, just part of his collection.

Phil didn’t notice his feet taking him through the school, he didn’t notice the tears. He didn’t notice that he was heart broken. He didn’t notice the feeling of emptiness. Or loss. Or grief. He didn’t notice that Dan didn’t really love him.

He didn’t notice how much Dan had captured him in a week, in a kiss, in a moan, in a lost heartbeat on broken beds while sleep was captured and shared, such an intimate moment. That was shared and it didn’t mean anything, at least not to an emotional unavailable lost teen with heart cramps that even hundreds of one night lovers could suffice. But it meant something to Phil. And he felt lost, and drunk, drunk on him, drunk on heartbreak, drunk on feeling pathetic.

He felt the brick in his chest, clinging on and somehow guiding him through this loss, though every single tear that this brick caused. He just missed this boy that fucked him over. That knew he would. _He told himself he wouldn’t fall for him, that he didn’t fall for him._


	2. American Psycho/American Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 7 years later Dan Howell shows up in town and falls in love again, and maybe this time he’s ready for the commitment. Or maybe he’s not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im updating this a day early bc why not

_~ 7 years later ~_

I get this rush everywhere I go somewhere new, it’s a rush of adrenaline as I memorise the people around me in that three seconds you have to make them like you, or not. I think the first time people meet me I’m at my worst, trying to show off and trying to be mean and impressive. And maybe’s it kind of sad that I still haven’t grown out of this, I’ve been doing this for eight years. I’m twenty two now, I’m no less of an asshole as I was when I was fourteen. Even though I’d moved schools about three times since it started, gotten about seven jobs and moved house about thirteen times I still hadn’t changed. For me, changing isn’t about the environment around you, for me, it’s the people around you. And every single fucking school I’ve been to has the same people. I’ve never met anyone different. Except for that one time but I fucked it up and it was seven years ago and it doesn’t even matter now. The point is, I’ll never change, no one could even make me change. I’ll be the same asshole forever.

~

Cold air bit into Dan, it’s icy wind ran through him and kept him walking, walking to get to warmth. Dan walked into a hotel, a very fancy hotel. It had chandeliers and red carpets and fancy carved wood chairs and all the drinks on the menu in the lobby were about 40 pounds each. A night here was 200 pounds each and Dan only had 1500 pounds in the bank. He had no job, no friends and no house. He was fucked so he decided with the last of his money he stayed in the most fancy hotel there was.

Dan walked into the tremendously huge building and into a large lobby with cracked off-white walls and old chandeliers. There were people everywhere holding drinks and chatting while some people were checking in. Dan walked towards the reception and lined up. The atmosphere in the hotel was posh and fancy, but a sort of hotel-in-space vibe. While in the hotel, it was almost as if the outside world didn’t exist, you look outside and see nothing. You forget everything while in here. It feels like another world in here. It feels like there should be floating objects and aliens as waiters and receptionists.

Dan didn’t even notice it was his turn, he was off day dreaming, not focusing, probably because of the lack of sleep. Dan looked up and was greeted with a pair of blue eyes. Green eyes? Yellow eyes? They were beautiful eyes. Dan walked up to the person who had possession over these beautiful eyes. He had a beautiful face too. He had a nice jaw line, and sharp cheekbones and lovely black hair. There eyes met and it felt familiar. It felt known and homely and warm. Dan had forgotten what this felt like. It felt like love. Something he’d only felt once before and now that it’s back so suddenly it could only mean one thing. If the feeling was back, surely the person was back.

~

Dan didn’t know if he liked that the feeling was back. He didn’t know if he was ready for it again. But it was happening and in full swing and he felt like he was being swung through the air at 100 miles per hour, with everything happening in the blink of an eye, leaving him with a smile, a moan and maybe even butterflies.

He didn’t know if he regretting kissing him, this time, or last time. He didn’t know if regretted fucking him, this time, or last time. He didn’t know if he regretted falling in love with him, the first time or the second time.

He felt hot breath hit is neck and Phil cuddled closer to him, burying his head in the crook of his neck. “You’re still as much of a bottom as I remember,” Phil whispered. Dan smiled, how was he so okay with this? How was Dan not freaking out right now? How was Dan not running for the hills right now?

“Shut up,” Dan laughed. Phil lifted his head and looked at Dan, giving him a kiss. Dan decided he liked the feeling of being in love. He liked how every time Phil gave him a kiss he didn’t regret it, and how it didn’t taste sour. It tasted like Phil, which Dan quite liked. “You have pretty eyes,” Dan commented.

“Thanks,” Phil replied, giggling. “I should get back to my shift,” Phil said, getting off the hotel bed and picking up his clothes. “My boss is going to kill me,” he sighed.

“Come back?” Dan asked as Phil buttoned his shirt.

“Yeah,” Phil smiled. He gave one last kiss to Dan before leaving the poorly lit room.

Dan looked up at the ceiling and contemplated what had just happened. He and someone he’d fucked seven years ago that he fell in love with just fucked him. And he fell in love again. He felt fifteen again, he felt nostalgic, like his life had repeated, just in a different place. And somehow he was okay with it? Somehow, Phil was okay with it? He didn’t know when or how, but he somewhere in between moans they realised they were both in love with each other again. They both knew it, they both weren’t scared of it, just happy it was back.

Dan got dressed and cracked open a mini bottle of wine, pouring himself a glass. He hadn’t wine in a while, it made him feel important and posh, something that Dan wasn’t. He didn’t really like the taste of wine but it was alcohol, and Dan would take it.

Dan thought about how much Phil had changed. His personality hadn’t changed but his social status probably had. Here Phil was, working at a fancy hotel, probably earning more money than he needed. He probably had friends that he drank with and he’d probably had boyfriends and he’d probably fallen in love. And here Dan was, constantly drunk with barely any money. Practically homeless, without anyone that loved him or who he loved, apart from Phil. Dan had nothing. He didn’t even know how he was coping. He just kept travelling and travelling and travelling. Constantly on the verge of living in the streets without food or money. If he was honest, he kind of liked how he lived. He lived at risk. He lived and could observe the world without anything in the way. He didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t have to go to a job or pay rent or hang out with anyone. He could be him and he could fuck up his life and it wouldn’t affect anyone.

Then it hit him.

It would affect Phil. He couldn’t hurt Phil. He couldn’t drag Phil into this, Phil was perfect and innocent and he had everything perfect and he couldn’t ruin that for him. Dan didn’t deserve Phil, and Phil didn’t deserve Dan. But Dan loved Phil, and he knew Phil loved him. And he couldn’t abandon that and break Phil’s heart all over again. He’d figure something out, they would figure something out.

~

“Hey,” Phil greeted Dan as he stepped inside the warm room. Dan got off the bed and walked towards Phil, giving him a hug. “We need to talk,” he whispered into Phil’s shoulders. Phil silently nodded and sat down on the bed with Dan. Phil laid down and pulled Dan down with him so the were cuddling with Dan’s head resting on Phil’s chest and his arm draped across his torso.

“Shoot.”

“Well, it’s just… Well I just want to start off by saying I love you, and you’re the only person I’ve ever loved.”

“I love you too.”

“And I know I treated you like shit in high school but I just didn’t know what I was doing. I think now I do, or at least more than then. But since high school… I haven’t really improved my… lifestyle. I kind of have no money or a place to live or any friends or family,” Dan spoke softly.

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered.

“Don’t. Don’t pity me, I like my lifestyle, I travel and get drunk and see things and meet people… Lots of people. And sometimes I do wish I had a normal life but that’s not possible. So I live this life and it’s honestly not that bad. It takes some getting used to, but it’s okay. But, the thing is, I don’t want to drag you into it. My life, while exciting and interesting, can be risky and sometimes I’ve been homeless and starved and I don’t want you to be apart of that. I’m not saying we should leave each other, I don’t want that. I just think, we need to… Sort something out.”

“Come live with me,” Phil blurted. There was a silence before Phil continued, “I’m serious. Come live with me. You’ll have a home, food, someone who loves you.” It was perfect. A perfect plan, Dan could still drink and travel and meet interesting people. He could still have Phil. And he’d get comfort and a roof over his head. Then why was he so stubborn to accept?

“I don’t know… This lifestyle is who I am. It’s home to me. I don’t know if I can just abandon it so quickly. I don’t know…if I’m ready to settle down yet.”

“You’re not settling down, you’re just making sure you’ll always have a place to sleep at night. You can still travel. You can still meet people.”

“It’s not the same. I want to be risky. I want to go around and just see where I end up. It’s how I live, how I always have.”

“Well, what do you suggest?”

“Maybe… Uh…” Dan found himself idealess, moving in with Phil was the best idea. “I don’t have anything,” Dan said, sighing in defeat.

“Just move in with me, and if you don’t like it then I’m sure there’s something else. I’m not forcing you to stay, no one is, just try it. Okay?” Dan nodded.

“Okay. Just, sorry in advance, if I leave. I’ll always love you, I just feel trapped really easily. I just want to always to feel like I don’t owe anything anyone, or have to do anything. I just want to do what I want and never have to feel trapped or tied down.”

“Okay.”

~

Dan woke up bleary eyed, with sleep in the corners of his eyes. He actually found it hard to get up, he’d never slept this deeply and contently before. He’d always viewed sleep as an annoyance before now, but right now he just wanted to go back to sleep and never leave this warm bed. He turned onto his side and was met with a sleeping Phil Lester. His breaths were steady and smooth, smooth like his beautiful pale skin. Dan observed every inch of Phil’s face, as he had seven years ago, and he felt nostalgic as memories flooded back. He didn’t want to think about then though, but he didn’t really want to think about now either, so he just thought about how nice it was in this bed.

After a couple more minutes of watching Phil peacefully sleep Dan saw Phil slowly open his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows before everything came into focus and he saw Dan. Phil smiled and wriggled closer towards him, quickly kissing him and then snuggling into his side, draping an arm over him.

“Good morning,” Phil whispered, his hot smelly breath hitting Dan’s neck. Dan smiled and tilted his head so it was resting on top of Phil’s.

“Good morning,” Dan repeated back, sighing and closing his eyes, hoping to fall back to sleep. Just as he was drifting off, he felt Phil wriggle away from him and sit up, stretching and groaning.

“I have to go to work, my shift starts at eleven,” Phil told him, his voice dry and croaky.

“M’kay,” Dan mumbled, slowly sitting up, pulling a variety of unpleasant faces as he stretched and woke himself up a little more. “You showering?” Dan asked, a small smirk forming on his face.

“Uh, yeah?” Phil told him a little confused.

“May I join you?” Dan asked, getting off the bed and standing in front of Phil, stark naked. Phil smiled and looked down, blushing a little. Then he realised he happened to be staring at Dan cock so he quickly looked up again. Dan stepped closer, running his cold hands over Phil’s chest, trailing them down to his stomach and onto his sides, gently tracing the tips of his fingers around. He moved his hands slowly down to Phil’s hips where they rested.

“Does blushing and smiling mean yes?” Dan asked softly. Phil nodded and looked further up into Dan’s eyes, putting his hands around his neck and kissing him.

“Yep,” Phil giggled, guiding them into the bathroom, knocking against each other as the wiggled through the doorway and into the cold tiled room. Phil broke away from Dan as he pulled off his boxers and turned on the shower. Phil stepped inside the large shower and Dan followed, giving Phil’s ass a squeeze.

“Hey, I’m the one who’s supposed to do that, I’m the one putting my dick in your ass,” Phil joked, spinning Dan around and looking at him. Phil started lazily kissing Dan, throwing his arms around his neck. They both smiled into the kiss. Dan started tracing his hands down again, from his hips onto his thighs, the tips of his fingers traced circles onto his inner thighs, each time getting closer to Phil’s semi hard member. Hot water poured over both of them, curling Dan’s hair.

“Can I suck you?” Dan asked, pulling away from Phil’s lips.

“Please,” Phil almost moaned in anticipation. Dan slowly sank to his knees, blinking up at Phil through he tick wet eyelashes. Dan moved his hand over Phil’s cock and started slowly pumping. Phil gasp and tilted his head bed, closing his eyes. Dan kept slowly pumping, moving his hand a bit  lower. Dan moved his head closer and gently closed his mouth around Phil’s tip. Dan sucked lightly before taking more of Phil in.

After a few bobs Phil had threaded his hands through Dan’s wet curly hair and had begun thrusting into his mouth. Dan kept bobbing his head up and down for several minutes until Phil was throwing his head back against the wall and furrowing his brows, loudly moaning.

Phil’s grip on Dan’s hair tightened as he moaned whorishly and came down the back of Dan’s throat. Dan quickly pulled off, panting and looking up at Phil with those big brown eyes again.

“Shit,” Phil breathed, gasping for air. Dan slowly stood up, his cock still hard and red, leaking precome. Dan smirked and kissed Phil as his post orgasm haze wore off.

“I need to get ready, I’m sorry,” Phil said after calming down a bit more. Phil reached for some soap and rubbed cleaned himself before handing it too Dan. While Dan enjoyed blowing Phil and watching him shower, he really did wish Phil would give him some relief downstairs. He was aching to get off but he didn’t think h could do it right next to Phil who was currently washing his hair.

“I’m going to go get dressed and go to work, my shift finishes at two, I’ll see you then, alright? And I’ll pay for you to stay another night here. I’ll make sure someone brings you breakfast and there are snacks in the fridge,” Phil instructed, stepping out of the shower.  “See you in five hours, babe,” Phil giggled, kissing Dan one last time.

“Bye,” Dan replied, smiling.

Dan got out of the shower a couple of minutes later, sad to leave the warm stream of water. He quickly got dressed into some sweatpants and an old t shirt and flopped onto his soft expensive hotel bed.

The five hours passed quickly, most of which consisted of Dan laying around, watching tv, eating the hotels fancy toasted sandwiches and expensive snacks then masturbating.

Phil came back a minute after two, and rolled onto the bed, burying his face in Dan’s chest. Dan giggled placed his hand on Phil’s back, gently rubbing.

“How was work?” Dan asked, tilting his head to look at Phil. Phil looked up at Dan and groaned, burying his head even more.

“Guess who has a second shift tonight?” Phil rhetorically asked.

“What?! When are you starting, when are you getting back?” Dan whined. Making an annoyed face.

“I start at six, end at twelve. I’m sorry, we still have four hours to eat garbage and watch shitty reality tv shows,” Phil assured Dan. He sat up and slung a leg over Dan’s thighs, straddling him. He leaned down and kissed dan happily.

“Or you could finish what you started from this morning?” Dan suggested, threading his hands through Phil’s hair and kissing him again.

“Alright.”

-

After their activities Dan had quickly fell asleep, cuddled into Phil’s side. Phil knew he should be getting ready, as his shift started in fifteen minutes but he couldn’t help but stare at Dan lovingly and happily. He was just too bloody in love with him, again.

-

Dan woke up for the second time that day, but this time he didn’t feel as warm, but still very very happy.  He smiled and rolled over, he arms reaching out, searching for somebody next to him. When he found nothing he drousily and annoyingly opened his eyes to find no one sleeping next to him. He first thought was panic, did Phil leave him? Did he realise how pathetic Dan was and leave? Was Phil even real? Was this just a dream and he just had sex with a random guy he picked up in a club? Then he realised that sounded ridiculous and that Phil had just gone to work and he’d be back in six hours. Six hours, that wasn’t too bad, right?

It was by the second hour that he was completely wrong, and that he was completely and utterly bored. After a snooty waitor had brought him he weird foamy dinner that didn’t satisfy him in the slightest, he decided to go out and hit the streets of Manchester. As he stepped outside he saw lights and billboards everywhere. There were people walking everywhere.

He walked a few blocks down before finding a nice little resturant that did take away. He ordered some cheap two pound noodles and walked down a street, noodles in one hand a plastic fork in the other. He kept aimlessly walking, unsure of what he was doing or where he was going. If this was normal, and he wasn’t tied down to Phil he’d probably go get on a train and stay on like for three days until he found somewhere suitable, where it be a big city or the middle of nowhere where all he had was a change of clothes and a couple dollars to survive on. Now, he didn’t no what to do. He didn’t need to do anything, he could go and watch tv and eat anything he wanted. He didn’t have to work out the next train to London or how he’d afford to eat. He could relax for once. While that was all good and pure, he missed that rush and panic and the feeling in your stomach after not eating for three days. He missed not having to check your phone every now and again so you could be home in time for your boyfriend. He hated that he was tied down and commited to Phil, even though he didn’t really have to be, and it was barely anything. He even enjoyed seeing Phil. Why did he hate it so much?

Dan gave up walking around town, it being pointless as he’d just have to go back to the stupid fancy hotel. He walked back and got to his room, which was empty, it was only nine. Still another three hours to go.

Dan watched a stupid movie and opened a bottle of hundred pound red wine. He drank the whole mini bottle within half an hour. He searched again for alcohol, but all there was left was extremely expensive champange that Phil would definitely kill him for. Dan rolled around on the bed, groaning in boredom. He now wished that he hadn’t so quickly left his parents house, leaving his laptop and phone behind, now he was stuck with a crappy one that had no credit whatsoever. He’d ask Phil about maybe giving him some money for that later. He felt a bit guilty about asking Phil for this, he’d already done so much. He’d probably have to ask Phil to help him find a job as well, or maybe pay for university. The thought sent shivers down his spine, he hated school and he hated the idea of having a job. It all sounded disgusting and horrible. It all screamed commitment.

-

Phil got back, flustered and puffing, but before Dan could ask why Phil lips were on his and they were heatidly making out. They rolled onto the bed and started desperately grinding on each other. Dan didn’t know why Phil was suddenly rushing everything, and why he was so desperate but Dan was loving it so he rolled with it.

-

No less than twenty minutes later they were both finished and tired, Dan regretted rushing everything, he’d been waiting to do this all day and it only lasted twenty minutes. Phil had still said nothing to Dan, instead rolling off of Dan and quickly running to the shower after the whole ordeal. Dan stared up at the chandelier that hung from the hotel ceiling. The crystal was slightly tinted brown with old age and the whole thing was coated with dust. It hadn’t been moved in probably a hundred years. The old antique vibe of the chadiler really clashed with the huge flat screen tv on the wall and the mini fridge. Dan realised he was just analising the design or a hotel room, how boring was he getting. How did he go from never staying in one place for more than twenty four hours to analising the aesthetic of a hotel room? Oh god.

He heard the shower turn off and Phil step out, he got excited, happy he finally got to sleep peacefully cuddled up next to someone, something he’d never had the security of his whole life. He realised nothing had ever been secure ever throughout his life, and knowing that he would definitely come home to a boyfriend and a house and a constant, secure source of food every night felt unknown, and weird and comforting. Usually he loved throwing himself into unknown situations, the more unfamiliar the better, but this, this was terrifying. He didn’t know if he was more scared of the commitment or the responsibilties of living permently and having a boyfriend.

Dan was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a loud bang. He quickly looked over and saw Phil wearing nothing but a pair of Dan’s boxers holding an open champange bottle.

“Planning on getting my drunk night, hey?” Dan laughed, hopping out of bed, completely naked. He walked over to Phil and got two fancy, possibly diamond, champange glasses out.

“One last time before you run off again,” Phil muttered. Dan frowned as soon as he heard Phil say that. His mood dropped and he no longer wanted to get hopelessly drunk with his new boyfriend, he wanted to sit him down and soberly tell him that he loved him more than anything.

“Phil,” Dan whispered as Phil poured their drinks.

“What?” Phil asked, as if he had said nothing.

“I’m not going to leave you,” Dan sternly told him. “I love you. I’m not making that mistake again,” Dan continued.

Phil took his glass and walked out onto their balcony, leaning on the rail and looking out at the city, completely ignoring Dan. Dan quickly followed, a little hesitant to wonder outside onto a balcony naked, he did anyway.

“Please, Phil. Please trust me,” Dan whispered, standing behind Phil and snaking his arms around him.

“I want too, believe me, I do,” Phil told him, looking down.

Dan sighed and peeled himself off of Phil, going to stnad next to him instead. “I’m sorry I was such a dick,” Dan told him. “But that was years ago, I won’t do that again. I’m not like that anymore.”

Phil turned his head and looked at Dan. He loooked sincere and concerned. “You say that now, and I’m sure you mean well,” Phil said taking a deep breath, “But I can’t date someone who could unexpectedly leave at any moment.”

“I won’t leave! Please, I won’t leave. Not if I don’t have good reason too,” Dan blurted, trying to win Phil over, he didn’t want to lose him again.

“Promise?” Phil sighed, taking a sip of his champange.

“I promise on every single star in the sky that I won’t leave you,” Dan said sincerely.


	3. Centuries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He runs away and lingers in the city

He breathed out, hot breath sputtering against his lips and through cold air as he poured through a crowded street. The wind threaded through his hair, tossing it aside. As he filed out of the busy rushing crowd he leant against a wall, alone. He closed his eyes. He was so tired. He felt a rush of cold throughout his entire body, he shivered and breathed, he breathed and he hoped. He hoped that he’d never have to see Phil again, never have to see his broken eyes or feel his warm hands on his body ever again. He hoped he’d never get attached again, he promised he wouldn’t to himself, but he hadn’t been very good at keeping promises lately.

He sighed and started walking again, threading through the crowds of people. Two minutes later Dan had emerged from the crowds, finding himself in a small alley.

~

“Fuck, harder! Shit,” she moaned, gripping the white sheets. “You’re so good, fuck,” she whimpered before burying her face into the mattress.

~

Dan breathed out and saw his one breath, he was surprised he could even breathe, he felt like he couldn’t.

~

“I want you,” she whispered from behind him, her small hands running down the sides of his torso, sending shivers through him. “Want you to have me,” she continued. “Your hands look so strong, imagine what they’d look on my thighs, on my hips, _inside of me_. Don’t you want that?”

Dan gulped.

~

He looked up at the sky, it was black, there were no stars. He could see the glow of the moon illuminate the street, casting shadows. He wanted to see the stars again, he needed to see their glow, their shine. You won’t find that in a city like this.

~

They walked silently to a hotel, the closest one. She bought a hotel room for the night. Just a night. One night.

~

One night, that’s all it took for everything to fall apart. Fall apart again. Dan didn’t know whether he would stay to see the mess this time. Dan didn’t need to, he could feel it. He could feel that rip. He’d felt it before. He felt the break, the tear, he could feel it shatter. Forget the mess he’d leave behind, what about the mess he’d made of his heart?

~

“Mhm, you’re so big, I can’t wait for you to get inside of me.”

~

He’d hurt himself, not just the people around him. He deserved it.

~

He felt hot warmth engulf him. She moaned.

~

He deserved more hurt than this, he deserved to be in some ditch in the middle of nowhere.

~

She dropped down on his cock, placing a cold bony hand on his chest as she adjusted. He threw his back in pleasure.

~

He deserved to be dead.

~

“You’re leaving?” she asked as Dan rushed out of bed, quickly dressing himself. “This hotel was expensive you know, don’t you want to use it to its fullest?” She rolled over onto her back and sat up, her black hair pooling on her shoulders. “Just one night of fun?” Dan closed the door and walked down the clean hotel corridor. He hoped she liked the room he’d bought for her. He didn’t know where to go. He couldn’t go back home now. He couldn’t face that. The corridors were cold, they reminded him of her hands, her hands that used him. That he let use him. He quickly escaped the hotel, not looking back. He walked straight into a mess of people, and wallowed his way through.

He found himself in an alleyway, looking up at the stars.

_Phil. 23:47: I just had a girl check out of a room under your name_

_Phil. 23:56: Black hair, blue eyes. Remind you of anyone?_

_Phil. 00:04: Why did you do this to me_

_Phil. 01:52: I love you._

_Phil. 02:32: You said you fucking loved me_

He did. _He really did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is on hiatus until jan 29th!


	4. The Kids Aren't Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan misses Phil, and Phil doesn’t want to miss him back.

He missed him; he missed his words, his logical thinking and warm hands. 

He missed the way that whenever Dan was up at night, he’d join him too. He missed that support. Phil provided everything: warmth, food, water…love. Dan never needed love—until now. Now, he wanted Phil’s love more than anything. He wanted Phil’s acceptance and approval. He’d never needed anyone’s approval before Phil. He liked it that way. He couldn’t depend on anyone. Depending on someone would be weak and immature; needing someone’s love was weak and immature. Dan told himself that he didn’t need Phil or his love.

~

Dan looked up at the glossy chandeliers. The gold matched the gold flecks in the blue marble floor. Dan took in a deep breath. Here he was: he hadn’t showered in about four days, and he was wearing the same clothes he had slept in. Here he was in a hotel made for rich families who had maids who had their own maids. This wasn’t made for homeless bad boys who were here to see their ex-boyfriends.

Dan contemplated exactly what he was doing there. Was he really going to see Phil after calling him five times with no answer and proceeding to leave a clingy, crybaby-ish/esque voicemail? Was he really going to see Phil after calling him from a phone box Was he really going to see Phil after calling him from a phone box and then not saying anything when Phil answered?

“I miss you. I miss you and I know you hate me but I love you and I miss you and I just miss you so much. I just want to see you. I miss you,” Dan’s weak voice chimed. Phil closed his eyes. He didn’t need Dan, he didn’t want Dan. Dan was bad for him. He loved Dan. Dan was weak. Phil hated seeing him like that. He wanted to love seeing him like that. He wanted Dan to not be able to live without him. He wanted Dan to crawl back to him, begging. But Dan had too much pride to do that. Dan had his many lovers anyway. He probably didn’t even love Phil. He had probably just sent the voicemail to him to play with his emotions. Or maybe Dan was drunk or something. If he really loved Phil, he wouldn’t have cheated on him. He had really thought Dan loved him. He moved in with him, lived with him for months, then out of nowhere, he slept with someone. Dan gave up his lifestyle to do something terrifying—to be with Phil. Then he slept with a girl. He didn’t understand Dan. He didn’t want to.

Dan cringed, he had made himself look so weak. Phil would never want to see him after hearing all that. But still, here Dan was, with the last of his pride. Phil was supposed to stop working in a couple minutes. He had a couple of  minutes to compose himself and think of something to say.

It was ten. His remaining time had passed and Phil would be walking towards the big revolving doors, which Dan was standing next to, any second now. Dan didn’t know what to say. He had to say something, anything at this point. Would Phil even keep walking towards the doors after he saw Dan? Dan felt himself start to panic. He considered bailing, just leaving Phil and moving on. Phil probably didn’t want to see him—there he was. Phil. Phil was walking towards him. Dan stared as he watched Phil put a black jumper on over his fancy button up. Hold on—was that Dan’s jumper? Was he wearing Dan’s jumper? Maybe Phil did miss him. Maybe he missed him so much that he just wanted to smell him again.

Dan was being ridiculous. Dan was the one who stole Phil’s underwear and was wearing them right this second. Phil didn’t like Dan. Phil would never miss Dan. Dan took a deep breath and looked at Phil. He didn’t know what expression to make:  sad one? A confident one? Confident. Confident was good. Confident was what Dan knew. He smirked and hoped Phil would look him in the eye.

Phil caught Dan’s body, standing there, looking over him. Phil rolled his eyes, trying to seem above Dan and his stupid smirk. Phil kept walking towards Dan, not wanting to stop so he didn’t seem scared, but at the same time wanting to run the other way. Phil avoided Dan and kept walking towards those big, shiny, golden revolving doors. Phil stepped into a segment into the doors and Dan quickly followed, walking into a segment. This made Phil ahead and he hoped Dan wouldn’t catch up to him on the walk to the car.

“Phil!” Dan shouted, sounding more desperate than he’d hoped. “Phil. Where are you going?” Dan speed walked a couple of steps behind Phil as they entered the underground car park.

“To my car,” Phil said sternly.

“Well, I was just wondering if I could have some of my things? They’re still at home—your place,” Dan cursed himself. He had stuttered. e had said home. Phil wasn’t home. Not anymore.

“What stuff?” Phil said in the same stern voice.

“A— just some clothes. You can have everything else.” Dan realised his tone had gone soft, gentle. He was stupid. He couldn’t act weak around Phil.

“Fine. Hop in the car. You can get your stuff. Then you leave, okay?” Phil hadn’t meant to add an ‘okay’ on the end. He had meant for him to order Dan to do something, not ask Dan to.

“Okay.”

Phil pulled out his car keys and unlocked it. They both hopped into the car without saying a word. Dan scanned Phil’s face. Phil’s eyes were trained on the car’s gear stick and dashboard as he tried to start up the car. Phil’s eyes darted over to Dan and he instantly regretted it. He didn’t want to see Dan’s helpless face studying Phil’s for some sort of emotion. Phil felt like an ass. Dan was clearly very hurt (although he was covering it up and acting like a complete fuckboy) and here Phil was, pretending like he didn’t care at all. Though while Phil felt like an ass, he knew he wasn’t. He knew he was allowed to be angry, to ignore Dan.

Phil started up the car and they drove in complete silence.

“Your things are still in my closet,” Phil said, opening his apartment door and letting Dan in. Dan walked into the apartment. He’d only been gone a week, but the place already looked drastically different. It looked like something from a magazine. Everything was so tidy and pristine. “You can take one of my backpacks to carry your stuff.”

Dan stopped in his tracks, taking in the cold apartment. Phil stiffly waited behind him. Dan didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay—tay and live here and make this his home again, make it warm again. Dan slowly turned around and saw Phil looking at him. Dan quickly walked over to Phil. It was worth a shot. Dan kissed Phil, passionately. He put his hands on him and kissed him. Phil didn’t stop him. He didn’t do anything at first, but soon began to kiss back. Dan sighed, relief filling his mind. Phil didn’t completely hate him. Or maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t care? Maybe he was just using Dan’s body to get off—everyone did that to him these days.

“Dan,” Phil gasped, but Dan started kissing him again so Phil didn’t talk. “Dan. Stop… Ah, Dan,” Phil said between kisses. Phil eventually pushed Dan away.

“Why are you crying?” Phil asked. Dan felt relieved and anxious at the same time. At least Phil wasn’t telling him to leave. Dan gently touched his wet face, confused. He was crying. Dan ignored it.

“Shut up,” Dan said before going back to making out with Phil again. Dan placed his hands on Phil, on his jaw, his shoulders- his hips. Dan couldn’t stop touching Phil. He clung to Phil, he never wanted to let go. Dan’s tongue gently slid against Phil’s lip. Phil opened his mouth slightly, very quickly turning the makeout session heated. Dan backed Phil up against a wall and placed his forearms beside Phil’s head. Phil smiled into the kiss and flipped them.

“It’s only been a week and you already think you can just come in here and dominate me?” Phil growled into Dan’s ear. Dan shuddered. He missed this. Phil’s hand slipped down Dan’s arm. He considered leaving it at his wrist, but instead kept going and linked Dan’s hand with his own. Phil took Dan to his bed and pushed him onto it.

Dan was confused—glad, but confused. Phil wasn’t pushing him away or yelling at him. He was kissing him. Dan went with it. If this was to be the last time he was going to be with Phil, he was going to make it last as long as possible.

Phil crawled onto the bed, hovering over Dan. Dan weakly looked up and saw Phil’s icy blue eyes. He’d never seen them so cold and angry. Dan craned his neck and gently kissed Phil, hoping to calm him. Phil kissed back and when Dan pulled back to look back at Phil’s eyes, they looked a little softer. Dan smiled. Just as Phil's own mouth began to smile, he stopped himself and looked down, the corners of his mouth falling into a frown. Dan was disappointed. He tried to ignore the last exchange and proceeded to run his hands underneath Phil’s shirt, feeling Phil’s warm skin.

“Phil,” Dan whined, hoping this time Phil would do something. Phil looked up, meeting Dan’s eyes. They weren’t filled with anger or lust or softness—they looked sad.

“I can’t do this,” Phil whispered, getting up off the bed. Dan watched him turn around and stretch. Dan didn’t respond, not yet, just watched Phil’s every move. He saw Phil leave the room and after that: silence. Dan didn’t know whether he should go after Phil or just sit there. Maybe he should leave. No, Dan wasn’t going to give up that easily. Dan slowly stood up, adjusting his hair and clothes, trying to look like he hadn’t just been achingly hard. Dan braced himself to be asked to leave, to be asked to never show up again. Dan didn’t want to leave, he wanted Phil to forgive him, to kiss him and to cuddle him and to love him. Dan loathed himself for thinking like that.

“Phil?” Dan said, sounding a lot less small than intended. He cautiously walked towards Phil who was pulling out an expensive bottle of wine from his expensive fridge. Dan leaned against the cold white marble island bench, a few feet away from Phil.

“I didn’t know you liked wine,” Dan whispered, desperately wanting Phil to talk to him. “You always drank champagne.”

“You always drank too much,” Phil retorted back. The statement was short and snappy. Phil didn’t sound full of hatred, he sounded like Dan had forgotten to fill the dishwasher: he sounded annoyed, irritated.  He didn’t sound like he was talking to someone he had dated for a couple of months, someone who had moved in with him then cheated.  

Phil reached up into a glass cabinet, pulling out two pristine wine glasses. He poured the red wine into both of them, passing one to Dan and heading out onto the balcony. Phil did it smoothly. He didn’t seem at all anxious or angry. He didn’t do it with a smile on his face. He did it calmly. Dan followed Phil outside onto the balcony. The air was cold, so cold that Dan wouldn’t be surprised if it started snowing. It was december after all. Phil leant over the balcony, looking down at the busy New York street. He brought the cold glass up to his mouth and sipped.

“I wasn’t ready,” Dan started. He didn’t know where he was going with this, but he knew it was going to be long. “I shouldn’t have moved in with you,” Dan continued. He could feel his throat closing up and his heart beat faster. “I- I… I guess you could say I bit off more than I could chew. It was too much, I broke. While moving in with someone you love may seem small to you, it was incredibly scary for me,” Dan breathed, leaning onto the balcony, mirroring Phil.  

“You think I loved you?” Phil replied, his town lowering. Phil regretted his words, he didn’t mean to say that. “You thought you loved me?” he thought.

“U-uh, well. Um,” Dan stuttered, he didn’t expect for Phil’s mood to change again so drastically. “Yeah, I did. Of course I did,” Dan said, trying to regain some of his confidence; he couldn’t stand there like a blabbering idiot.

“Mm,” Phil grunted in reply.

“You’d think I would have had a breakdown, or told you, or left—”

“You did leave,” Phil corrected.

“Right. But it’s just, running away and sleeping with girls and taking risks and this whole bad boy facade—it’s all I know, though it’s not very impressive. And I didn’t know what to do in that situation. I was scared. I’d been in that routine for what, five months? I just realised that I’d be in the same position for the rest of my life. I was secure and loved and safe. My reaction to that was to destroy it,” Dan had said it almost pleadingly, but pleading for what? Phil’s forgiveness. He wanted to feel like Phil loved him.

“That was shitty,” Phil replied.

“Yeah, it was,” Dan chuckled. He looked over at Phil, who looked sort of happy. He looked peaceful. “After I left the first time, I wanted more than anything to see you again. I went through seven years of hell to get to it. I was constantly isolated. But, in the end, I’d do it all again, just to see you again. I’d go through that three times over just to get you to love me.”

“You didn’t have to go through those seven years to get to me,” Phil said. Dan couldn’t disagree; Phil was right there, there for him. He had made him happy and safe, but Dan had turned away, he had destroyed that, just as he had a couple of days ago. “You didn’t have to reject me, nor did you have to cheat on me.”

“I didn't. But I did it anyway,” Dan confirmed, looking up at the stars.

“You’re a self destructive person,” Phil firmly stated. “Self destructive behaviour usually stems from childhood trauma.”He looked over at Dan, who looked a bit stunned. Dan opened his mouth to continue, but he didn’t know what to say.

“I think you know me better than I do,” Dan said, after a moment of complete silence. “I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who knows me better than you do, Phil.” Dan looked down again, at the small cement balcony. He looked at Phil, and he didn’t expect for Phil to be smiling, still. Dan's eyebrows knitted together. “You’re smiling.”

“I don’t want to be smiling. I want to be hating you, or more, I should be. You cheated on me after all,” Phil kept smiling, talking and looking at Dan who was concentrating on Phil’s every word. “It doesn’t feel like you cheated on me, it feels like I had to wake up one morning without you, and it really hurt. It feels like I miss you, and I’m happy that you’re here.

“It doesn’t mean I’m going to dismiss the fact that instead of going to me when you were scared, you went to someone else, or the fact that after worrying about you leaving me for hours and getting a couple hours sleep, you weren’t there when I woke up. You hurt me,” Phil said, effortlessly. Dan was envious that Phil could pour out his feelings without a second thought. This night had taken so much out of him. “I’m glad you talked to me.”

“I’m glad you listened,” Dan replied. “Can I hug you?” Dan pushed his weight off the rails. Phil mirrored him and opened his arms, letting Dan fall into them.

“You haven’t had any of your expensive wine,” Phil said as they pulled away. Dan took a sip before making a disgusted face.

“I prefer vodka,” Dan commented.

“Vodka isn’t even supposed to taste nice,” Phil laughed. He grabbed Dan’s wine and poured it into his own. “More for me then.”

They talked for hours. They brought vodka out with them and more expensive wine for Phil. By four in the morning the boys were cuddled up against each, surrounded by bottles of alcohol, as well as mountains of pillows and blankets. The conversation had finally found a lull, so Dan decided to pull out his phone. He was curled against Phil’s side, Phil’s arm resting underneath Dan’s head. Dan took a photograph of the city beneath them.

"I love the city," Phil said, smiling. "It's so beautiful. The lights are pretty." He looked at Dan’s face, who was happy with himself that he’d taken such a pretty picture. Dan showed the picture to Phil. “Gorgeous.”

“Mm. Thank you,” Dan whispered. “‘M tired.”

“Me too. What time is it?” Phil asked softly.

“Four oh-three in the morning.”

“Huh,” Phil replied thoughtfully.  “I don’t want to sleep yet.”

“Why not?”

“You might not be there when I wake up,” Phil stated simply.

“I promise I’ll be there,” Dan replied, hugging Phil closely

“Mm, we should sleep then,” Phil replied.

“Wait, one more thing,” Dan said, drunkenly holding up his index finger in front of him. “What are we?”

“You’re my best friend. We’re _best friends_ , Dan,” Phil chuckled. “Now let’s sleep,” Phil smiled, wrapping his arms around his best friend and burying his face into Dan’s hair.

Dan felt warm and buzzy, the alcohol sending him into euphoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates sundays around 10am aest


	5. Uma Thurman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil didn’t choose Dan, and Dan doesn’t want to hate him for it.

Phil entered the glowing pub, shiny lights strung against the red brick wall. He was wearing a green leopard print shirt. He hated it, but found it hilarious. He and Dan had been laughing over it just an hour ago. Phil thought back fondly to that memory. He wished Dan could’ve come with him to this little ‘get together’ with his colleagues from work. They’d all agreed to go to a rustic looking pub, an expensive pub at that. He spotted his ‘mates’ and anxiously made his way over to them. He hated all of them. They were all douches—rich douches. Phil had nothing in common with any of them. They were all in their mid twenties, and all of them already had wives with kids on the way. Phil sat down at the bar next to a couple of them. Most of them were dressed in pricey clothes, they all looked good, if he was honest. Douchey, but good. 

“So, Phil, how have you been?” one of them asked, turning towards Phil. 

“I’ve been very good, Anthony,” Phil replied, politely. “How’s Melissa?” Phil thought back to Anthony’s wife, a short blond girl who worked in advertising. 

“She’s great, actually, she’s three months in, we’re having twins!” Anthony exclaimed with joy. The conversation made Phil want to puke. Not because they were having a baby, or rather, babies, because this conversation was so dull. He was only twenty six, why was he already having these types of conversations? But he had to go through with it. If he wasn’t friendly with his co-workers, working with them would be hell, it’d be worse than it was now. 

Phil nodded politely before looking at the person working at the bar, “Give me your best wine,” he nodded towards the guy, who smiled and went to a fridge, pulling out an oddly shaped bottle of wine with a gold label. 

“That’s seventy per glass, sir,” the guy informed him. Phil nodded and asked for a tab. The guy poured him a glass. Phil swirled the wine around before taking a sip. He laughed to himself, here he was complaining about how he had to talk about wives and children to his colleagues, yet the way he drank his wine looked like a woman in her mid forties. 

“I love that brand, it’s got a very fruity taste,” a guy on the other side of Phil commented. 

“Oh, Michael, I thought you were a beer sort of person?” Phil questioned, turning his body towards him. 

“I’m a man of many talents, Phil,” the guy chuckled. “So, how you found yourself a lady yet? You still aren’t with that man are you?” Michael continued with a hushed voice. Some of his mates did know that he was gay, or well bisexual, but none of them understood that. They all thought he’d end up with a woman some day. 

“Oh, no, we aren’t together anymore,” Phil said, trying not to sound sad or weak. 

“Ah, I’m sorry buddy. Look, we’ve all kissed guys here, what was college for, right? We’ve all been there. Now, seen any girls you like?” he reassured Phil. Phil was tempted to start lecturing him right then and there, but that would end horribly. 

“Mm, not really. I’m always open to any that come my way, right?” Phil chuckled. 

“Of course,” he replied, laughing as well. “I’m getting married to my beauty, soon.” 

“That must be exciting, what’s her name?” Phil asked, keeping the light small talk going. 

“Wendy, she’s a darling. She’s a Victoria’s Secret model,” he informed him, looking quite proud. “She just turned nineteen.” Phil almost spat out his drink. Michael, a hairy thirty year old was getting married to a nineteen year old model? Now that Phil thought about it, he wasn’t surprised. 

“But you’ve gotta get a girlfriend, Phil, they really are beauties. I can hook you up with one, if you’d like?”

Phil laughed, smiling. “Thank you for the lovely offer, but I think I’m fine.” 

An hour had passed, and Phil was feeling sick to his stomach. How much more of this could he take? He’d be smiling so much his cheeks hurt. He just wanted to leave. He fished out his phone and checked the time, 7:06. Phil let out a sigh, he still had hours til this thing was over. Some of the guys had gone to a booth, and had started ordering food. Michael was still by his side, mindlessly talking about cars, or something mind-numbingly masculine. Phil tried his best to seem interested. Just as he finished his glass of wine, and looked up to get the bartender's attention, he stopped a petite women, staring at him. She had short black bangs a bob, and was wearing some necklace that could be described as “artsy,” or “tribal.” She had bright red lipstick on and was a nice contrast to her dyed black hair in a bob with ‘terf bangs’. She seductively smiled at him, Phil stared for a moment before smiling back. He looked down and grinned to himself– she was really pretty. 

“Someone has an interest in you,” Michael smirked. Phil looked at him and nodded happily. She was gorgeous. “Well, I’m sorry to leave you but I’m going to go join everyone else at the table, you coming?” Michael asked, standing up from his seat. Phil nodded, he considered staying, but that wasn’t polite or very good etiquette. Before leaving, he asked for a drink- a hundred and twenty dollar glass of wine- to be sent to the lady who kept smiling and staring at him. She didn’t look surprised when it arrived, she simply looked over at Phil and winked. Phil smiled and finally walked over to the table, where a lot of the people sitting there were digging into truffle pizza and some beautifully aged wagyu steak. Phil ordered some veal, that probably had some sort of fancy salad on the side. After eating and another glass of wine, Phil finally picked up the courage to go talk to the woman. She had a home decor magazine open and was casually flipping through the designs. 

“So you didn’t like my wine?” Phil asked, standing to her side and looking over her shoulder. She hadn’t touched the expensive wine Phil had bought her. 

“Tasted expensive,” she said, swivelling around in her chair. 

“It was. So what wine do you like?” Phil asked, taking the seat next to her. 

They talk for a bit, and Phil is infatuated, she speaks with such passion, and she’s gorgeous. She uses her hands a lot when she talks, she gets carried away with every story she tells. Talking for ‘a bit’ turned into talking until eleven pm, when most of Phil’s friend’s had left. They were laughing and retelling stories, and they’d both down a couple cheap drinks- she said she didn’t see the point of expensive wine when cheap wine did the job exactly the same. Phil couldn’t agree more, at least it got him drunk. Phil offered to take her home- well, to his place. When he came home he found Dan happily asleep on the couch, a playstation controller next to his head. Phil avoided telling Simone about Dan, and instead led her to his bed, where the fucked. She was gorgeous, her body was quite small and petite, while she was 5’2, Phil was nearly 6’3. Phil loves her. 

~

Phil woke up groggily, sighing and rubbing his eyes. He smiled once he saw a sleeping goddess next to him. He watched her chest rise and fall, he lips slightly parted. He didn’t want to wake her, so he slowly crept out of bed and down the hallway. He spotted Dan mindlessly eating cereal and staring off into space. 

“Good morning, Dan!” Phil exclaimed, smiling. 

“Someone’s happy,” Dan giggled. “You get laid?” Dan joked. 

“Yep!” Phil replied, filling the coffee machine. 

“Wait what? You slept with someone?” Dan asked, his mood changing drastically. 

“Yeah, last night at the boring work dinner. Her name’s Simone, she’s sleeping right now,” Phil informed Dan, going about his morning routine as usual. 

“SHE’S HERE?!” Dan almost yelled. 

“Shh, don’t want to wake her,” Phil giggled. Dan was taken aback. Phil had a girlfriend? No, he was probably just horny, yeah, that was it. Horny and wanted someone to sleep with. She’d be gone soon, Dan didn’t have to worry. He could’ve asked him to sleep with him though. Dan still felt a little salty. 

“You could’ve told me about her,” Dan snarled. 

“You were asleep when we got home, why would you care anyway?” Phil snapped back. 

“Because I want to know when you bring girls home, you were having sex a room away from me, of course I care!” Dan replied, getting riled up. 

“It’s none of your business who I sleep with, you have no right to get mad at me. You were asleep when I got home, end of story!” Phil said firmly. Phil was fuming, Dan had no right to get angry at him like that. It wasn’t his business, he wasn’t apart of that part of Phil’s life anymore. 

Dan remained silent. He didn’t want Phil to get angry, he couldn’t be annoying towards Phil, or negatively impact his life in anyway, he could at least do that much, after all, Phil was providing food and a roof over his head. 

“Is it serious?” Dan asked after a couple minutes of watching Phil make two cups of coffee. Dan felt a twinge of pain knowing that Phil was making coffee for himself and her, not Dan. 

“Um, maybe?” Phil answered, not really knowing. “I’d like it to be,” Phil smiled, filling up the cups of coffee. 

“Is that so?” She said, appearing in the doorway to the kitchen. Phil blushed and looked down. “I’d like it to be too,” she continued, smirking. “I’m Simone, you are?” she asked, holding her hand out to Dan. 

“Uh, Dan,” he replied, his voice shaky. She shook his hand. 

“Your robes smell amazing,” she said, turning to Phil, and smelling the sleeve of one of Phil’s expensive bath robes. 

“I’m glad you like them,” Phil smiled, handing her a cup of coffee. “Would you like some pancakes?” he asked. 

“I’m more of a waffle person, myself,” she giggled. Dan just stood there, not saying anything. 

“Me too!” Phil exclaimed looking very excited. Dan furrowed his brows in confusion, no, he was definitely a pancake kinda guy. “I’ve got a waffle press, I’ll make some,” Phil smiled. Dan promptly left the room, fighting the urge to tell her that Phil lied, and that he was actually a pancake person. Dan sat down on the couch, coffee in one hand and phone in the other. 

He quietly scrolled through tumblr, trying to ignore his feelings on Phil’s new love interest. He couldn’t visit those thoughts or emotions, he’d break. 

Around ten minutes later, Phil and Simone emerged, looking giddy and happy. Phil handed Dan a plate of waffles with blueberries and maple syrup before going sit down with Simone on the other couch. The two were very giggly around each other, considering they only met last night. 

“Would you like to watch something?” Phil asked, grabbing the remote for the tv. Simone nodded happily. “I remember you said you liked Black Mirror, right?” Phil asked, opening up netflix. 

“Yeah!” Simone replied enthusiastically. 

“I’ve seen some of it, but Dan loves it,” Phil smiled, looking over at Dan who was quietly eating. Dan politely nodded and smiled. Phil put on a random episode and they began watching. Except Dan, Dan wasn’t focusing on the show, Dan was focusing on Simone and Phil. They were quite snuggly with each other, and Dan was trying to ignore how that made him feel. He kept quiet and ate. He thought about how Simone liked Black Mirror, how she prefered waffles just like Dan did. Dan hated that they liked the same things, Dan hated that he wasn’t immediately put off by her. If she wasn’t interested in Phil, Dan would probably take an interest in her, romantically, sexually or platonically. Dan kinda liked her, but he hated himself for liking her. It was his fault for not liking her, he should just accept her, and talk to her. He should befriend her, it’d be so much easier if then if Phil was interested in being serious with her. 

They spent the rest of the morning together, eating and watching various different tv shows, (all of which Dan loved.) By the time Simone had to leave Dan was giggling and laughing and really enjoying himself. Why did she have to be nice?

~

A couple days later, when Dan has finally ridded Simone from his thoughts, no longer dwelling on her and Phil’s future, and how much they’d hurt Dan, Simone arrived at their apartment. Perfect timing. He and Phil had just finished dinner and they were snuggled up on the couch, watching Yuri!!! On Ice. When they heard the knock on the door Phil quickly tore off all the blankets they’d piled on top of each other and ran down the stairs. Dan was confused as to why Phil was so excited, but then when he heard the door open and heard familiar female voice, Dan realised Simone had come over. Dan sighed, he didn’t know whether to feel angry because Phil didn’t tell him Simone was coming over, or sad, because he’d have to confront his feelings about Phil and Simone, and their relationship. Dan told himself to repress those thoughts for now, and to focus on catering for their guest. Dan prepared himself to have to talk to Simone or even to go out with them, or something, but no. As soon as he heard them approach the door Phil poked his head in and told Dan he was having some alone time with Simone. Dan knew what that meant. 

“You want me to leave?” Dan replied, a little fiercely. 

“No, no. I’ll just be in my bedroom for a while that’s all. We won’t be too loud,” Phil said smirking. 

“I’ll leave-”

“No, Dan. Please don’t. This is your home too,” Phil assured him. “Forget I said anything.’ 

“Mm,” Dan grumbled. 

“I’m going to bed, see you in the morning,” Phil said, an apologetic smile painting his face. Dan couldn’t be mad at that face. He smiled and nodded, turning his head back to the tv and pressing play. Dan focused on the tv, ignoring Simone, again. Half an hour later, he was finding sitting on the couch by himself rather lonely and bored. Since he didn’t have anything better to do he decided to go to bed. He was tired and what better way to ignore his feelings than to sleep? Dan groggily made his way to his bedroom, but stopped in his track as soon as he heard a moan coming from Phil’s room. Dan sighed, and was determined to ignore them, he couldn’t himself break, or think about them. He kept walking ignoring the sounds from Phil’s bedroom and the lump in his throat. Why did they have to be so loud? Dan felt tears well in his eyes. He felt his throat constrict. He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to cry. For the first time Dan didn’t want to cry because he didn’t want to hurt, not because of his pride. Dan shakily removed his jeans and crawled into bed, ignoring that he was still wearing the same underwear and shirt from the day. He took deep shaky breaths, trying to control himself. 

He gave up. He clutched the pillow next to him, closing his eyes and letting tears fall from his eyes and run down his cheeks. He couldn’t even be mad at himself for giving in anymore, he felt sorry for himself. He shouldn’t feel sorry for himself, he deserved this. 

~

Dan slowly woke up, opening his still wet eyes and stretching. He looked to his windows to see it was still dark outside. Memories from last night came flooding back- or rather- from a few hours ago. He picked up his phone from the other side of his bed and checked the time. 

3:02

Dan sighed, he wasn’t going to start crying again. Instead, without thinking, he slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed his phone, wallet and keys and left. 

~

Phil wakes up, still feeling giddy and smiley from last night. He wakes up feeling fresh and energized and peaceful. He spends the next twenty minutes in bed, kissing Simone, cuddling Simone. Playing with Simone’s hair. Phil felt ecstatic. 

They checked the time, and saw it was ten am. 

“I have to leave in like half an hour,” Simone giggled as Phil planted kisses on her collarbones and neck. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Phil groaned, laying down on her bare chest. “I’m making you stay and eat my breakfast. Simone rolled her eyes and slipped out of bed. Phil smirked, looking at her small round pale ass. And her gorgeous petite frame. 

“I’m going to have a shower, if that’s okay?” she asked, slipping on one of Phil’s robes. 

“Alright… Can I join you?” Phil asked, getting out of bed himself and wrapping his arms around Simone. 

“I’d love for you to but I have to move quickly, and you’re not helping,” she answered, once again, slipping from Phil’s arms. She got away so quickly, she was too tiny, if it were Dan- 

“Alright then, see you soon,” Phil giggled, poking his tongue out and sticking it between his teeth. 

Simone left and Phil pulled on a shirt and some boxers, stepping out of his room in the cold hallway. 

“Dan!” Phil called, heading towards the kitchen, when he peered inside there was not a trace of Dan to be found, he couldn’t find his used coffee mugs or any cereal left out either. He checked the living room to find it untouched, looking just the same as it did last night. Phil furrowed his brows and went to go to Dan’s room, but found an empty, messy bed. Phil frowned and entered the room, looking for Dan’s phone or wallet, to see if he’d gone out. He found neither. Maybe he’d gone to get milk. Phil checked the fridge and they were all stocked up, they didn’t really need anything this early in the morning. Phil decided to leave it, Dan would be back soon enough. 

“What are you thinking about? You look a bit worried,” Simone asked, slipping into the kitchen in a beautiful metallic, thigh length bodycon dress. 

“I don’t know where Dan is,” Phil told her, walking towards her. 

“Maybe he went to get some breakfast or something?” Simone suggested. “Don’t be so worried, he’s probably fine,” she assured him. Phil nodded. Simone could say that, she didn’t know Dan like Phil did. Dan leaving unexpectedly, even for twenty minutes, could mean something bad if you considered his history. 

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, deciding to leave Dan’s personal history out of it. 

“Well, I have to get going,” Simone smiled. Phil bent down and kissed her. 

“I’ll see you soon?” Phil asked. 

“I’m free tonight if you are, you should come by my place,” she offered. 

“Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll be there by six if you text me your address.”

“Sure,” she said, getting on her tippy toes to kiss Phil one last time. “Don’t get too worried about Dan, I’m sure he’s fine,” she finished, leaving the room. Phil sighed. Dan would be back soon. 

Phil spent the next hour making two serves of pancakes, (one for Dan,) he made two cups of coffee as well. Then he sat down and watched some Westworld. 

By the time it was twelve Dan still wasn’t back. Phil calmed himself, Dan was fine. Maybe he went clothes shopping? 

Another hour passed still nothing. And there was nothing Phil could do, he tried ringing multiple times, but still got no response. It was useless going looking for him with how big of a city New York was. He could be anywhere. So Phil just had to wait. 

Phil waited for four hours before Dan returned. He heart keys unlock the front door and instantly dashed towards it. He saw Dan and enveloped him in a huge hug. 

“You’re back! I missed you, I was so worried I thought you might of taken off again but I’m so glad you’re back oh my god, Dan, I was so worried,” Phil rambled into Dan’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to head out today, I just thought you were hanging out with Simone,” Dan lied. He’d gotten drunk, passed out in cheap motel room and been moping all day. 

“Oh! What’d you do?” Phil questioned, looking relieved. 

“Uh… shopping. I didn’t see anything I liked though. Um, I don’t know? I just kind of wandered around the city, I guess,” Dan replied, trying to sound relaxed and not like he had a horrible headache. 

“Oh, well, let me know next time,” Phil smiled. “So you’re okay?” 

“Fine,” Dan replied, sounding grumpier than he intended. 

“Um, I kinda planned to go to Simone’s tonight, that’s okay right?” Phil asked Dan.

“That’s fine,” Dan replied in the same tone, not even trying to sound happy at this point. 

“Alright then, I said I’d meet her at six and the traffic’s pretty bad so I should get going soon… I probably won’t be back til tomorrow morning, and then I have work at eleven to five, so I’ll be back around five thirty tomorrow?” Phil told Dan. 

Dan nodded, “Alright.” 

As soon as Phil left, Dan found himself uncontrollably sobbing, Snot running from his nose and his mouth making ugly crying sounds. Dan didn’t know what came over him, he just cried, for so long. He didn’t eat anything, but eventually fell asleep on the couch, still crying. He didn’t know why he was like this, why he was so dependent on Phil’s love and approval for his happiness?

~

It’s been a month. A month since Dan left and got drunk at three am. It’s been a month since Phil came home with Simone. They’re still together. Dan still heavily drinks. Dan still cries on the rare nights when he goes to sleep in his own bed. 

Every night Dan goes out, and he goes and he drinks, he comes home drunk at six am and sleep until twelve. Phil barely notices. He’s too busy having sex with Simone. 

~

“Dan!” Phil calls from the lounge room, where he’s seated on the couch with Simone in his lap, they’re cuddling and watching Star Wars. Dan enters the room, his hair very scruffy, he has bags under his eyes and Phil swears he's been wearing the same shirt and sweatpants the entire week. 

“What?” Dan groans. 

“Me and Simone are going out to celebrate our one month anniversary tonight, we’re probably going to go and stay at her house for the night, just letting you know,” Phil said, not looking at Dan, but instead looking at Simone. 

“Okay,” Dan replies and promptly leaves. Phil kisses Simone before they both head out for the night. As soon as Dan hears the front door click shut, he grabs his old leather jacket, wallet and keys and leaves. He knows where he’s going, he’s going to get drunk. 

~

“You seem tense, you’ve been tense this whole night, are you okay?” Simone asks, holding Phil’s hand from across the table. 

“I’m worried about Dan, he hasn’t been very friendly lately. He’s constantly sleepy and grumpy and he barely leaves the house,” Phil complained. 

“Maybe he’s just having a hard time right now, you should talk to him,” Simone suggested. 

“But uh, the other night, I woke up, it was around eleven, and Dan wasn’t home. I stayed up until like two in the morning and he still wasn’t home. But when I woke up he was sleeping in his bed,” Phil informed her, feeling good that he was finally able to tell someone this. “I think he was out drinking, I think he’s been out drinking a lot, and he’s hiding it from me. It’s driving me insane that he’s so unhappy,” Phil blurted. 

“You seem to really care for each other. You need to talk to him, nothing will get better unless you do.” 

“Yeah, I guess.”

Phil and Simone ended up going back to Phil’s place for the night. Phil tried to go and see if Dan was home but Simone just guided him to bed. 

When Phil woke up he didn’t even say good morning to Simone, he darted straight to Dan’s room. He wasn’t there. He checked every part of the house. Dan wasn’t home. Phil started to panic, what if he was outside some club, passed out? In an alleyway? He could be anywhere. Phil felt tears well in his eyes. Dan couldn’t start this again. He falling through the cracks. 

“Phil? Phil, honey, what happened?” Simone said, rushing up to Phil who was leaning on the kitchen counter. She placed her hands on hips and looked up at him. 

“Dan’s n-not home,” Phil said, trying to keep his composer but his voice cracked in the middle of what he was saying, surely from that Simone would be able to tell that he was close to crying. He shouldn’t be crying, Dan goes out a lot, and he’s always been fine. It shouldn’t affect him this much, he should just focus on Simone. 

“Phil, why are you so upset? Dan probably went to get more milk, look you’re almost out,” Simone pointed out, holding up the quarter full milk bottle. 

“Yeah, that’s it. Sorry- I’m just r-really worried about him-m,” Phil said shakily. 

“Why?” 

“He’s just known for drinking a lot and getting into trouble and I just hope he’s safe,” Phil said. “The last time he got drunk was back in december, h-he’s been really good lately. God, I’m just so w-worried about him,” Phil said, silent little tears streaming down his cheeks. “I look so stupid.” Phil quickly wiped his eyes and cheeks. 

“No, no. It’s good you care about him so much. We’ll wait til noon and if he’s not answered phone or come home by then we could go looking for him if it’ll make you feel better?” she suggested. 

“Yeah, thank you so much. You’re so sweet,” Phil told her, carding a hand through her hair. 

“That’s because I care about you,” she smiled. 

A couple hours later Phil was putting on shoes and grabbing the keys to his car. He hated that it had to come to this. 

Phil decides that if Dan needs a constant supply of alcohol he’ll go to a club, so they should go check up on all the nearby ones. Phil searched all the ones near by, which were a lot, but narrowed it down to the ones that were cheap/were easy to get to through public transport. 

“The closest one is a few blocks away,” Phil told Simone, who was driving, (she thought Phi was too shaken up to drive.) “Then there’s another one a couples minutes from that one, we should try those first,” Phil told her, his voice breathy and shaken up. 

“Okay,” she said, firing up the engine. 

They drove to the first one and Phil hopped out, walking up and down the alleyways beside it. He couldn’t find any trace of Dan. Phil tried to not be disappointed. 

They quickly arrived at the second place, and Phil instantly knew that it was Dan who curled up against himself in a small alleyway beside the building. Simone got out of the car but as she saw Phil gently patting Dan’s knew she stopped herself and leant against the car. 

Dan was sitting, passed out, with the head on knees at the edge of an alleyway. Phil slowly sat beside him, taking in the sight. His Dan, Dan Howell, had become this. His precious Dan had sunk this low and Phil didn’t even didn’t do anything about it. Phil gently rubbed Dan’s knee, ushering him to consciousness. 

“Dan,” Phil whispered. “Dan,” Phil repeated. He saw Dan shuffle. 

“Phil?” Dan brokenly whispered into his knees. 

“Yeah,” Phil chuckled with relief as he heard Dan’s voice. “Dan, baby, I’m here,” Phil said. 

Dan was puzzled at why Phil was calling him ‘baby,’ but he was too hungover to say anything. Dan fell into Phil’s lap, clutching at him tightly. “You’re going to be okay,” Phil whispered into his hair. “I promise.” A couple minutes of running Phil’s fingers through Dan’s hair later, Phil whispered, “I’m sorry.” Dan audibly sighed. 

“We should get going,” Phil told Dan a moment later. Dan let out a shaky sigh. Phil took both of his hands and pulled him up. 

“Eugh, sunlight,” Dan groaned as they reached the main street. Dan looked up and saw Simone leaning on Phil’s car, his mood lowered. “She’s here,” Dan said in a disgusted tone. 

“She came because she was worried about you, Dan,” Phil told him, trying not to sound angry. 

“Mm.” Phil guided Dan into the backseat before getting into the drivers. The trip back to his and Phil’s apartment was quick. Phil ignored Simone when they got home, instead taking Dan to the bathroom to clean him up. 

“You need a shower,” Phil said, closing the door behind them. 

“I usually take showers alone, Phil,” Dan informed him, gesturing for him to leave. 

“Oh, right. Um. You don’t need anything before you shower? You’ll be okay?” Phil asked before he left. 

“I might throw up but I’m fine, really, Phil.” Phil promptly left Dan alone and went to the lounge where Simone was worriedly sitting. 

“Is he okay?” she asked, getting up off the couch. 

“Yeah, he’s…he’ll be okay,” Phil sighed. Simone rushed up to him and gave him a big hug. 

“He’ll be okay,” Simone repeated. Phil hugged harder. Phil heard the shower turn off and ran down to the bathroom. Dan looked startled when Phil was waiting for him outside. 

“What are you going to do now, carry me?” Dan said sarcastically as he made his way his stairs and into his bedroom. Phil followed. “Now you want to watch me get dressed?” Dan asked, looking through his pile of dirty clothing for his old sweatpants. Phil rushed to his wardrobe and pulled out a fresh pair. 

“Wear these instead,” Phil handed them to Dan, turning around. Phil rummaged through Dan’s jumper draw and found his own green hoodie. Phil waited a moment before turning around and giving it to Dan. Dan held it in his hand. 

“Phil, it’s june. It’s summer,” Dan complained. 

“I’ll put the air conditioning on high then,” Phil told him. 

“But then you’ll be cold,” Dan argued. 

“I’ll put on one of your jumpers,” Phil told him. Dan shrugged and put on the jumper. “Good. Now you’re probably hungry so I’ll just go and get some food, how do eggs sound?” Phil smiled. Dan nodded. 

“Thank you. Don’t forget some water please,” Dan added. Phil nodded and left the room. Dan sighed to himself, flopping into his smelly bed that hadn’t had its sheets changed in months. Dan pulled the sheets over and and relaxed into his pillow. 

“So he’s okay?” Simone asked as soon as Phil entered the kitchen, where she saw waiting. 

“Yeah, I think he’s good. Hungover though,” Phil commented. “I’m gonna make him some scrambled eggs, you want some?” Phil offered, grabbing all the ingredients he needed. 

“I’m good,” she said, smiling. “I’m sorry you had to see him like that.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me, what about Dan. I can’t believe he had to go through that.”

“Do you know why he did?” she asked. 

Phil paused. “I have an idea,” he told her, not wanting to tell her what it was. 

“What is it?” she asked very straightforwardly. 

“Uhh, it’s a private matter, I don’t know how Dan would feel if you knew,” Phil told her, hesitant. 

“Oh, okay.”

Phil finished his scrambled eggs and buttered some hot toast to go with it. He entered Dan’s room with food and water. He saw Dan soundly asleep under his covers. Phil considered waking Dan but Dan needed to eat and the food would surely go cold. 

“Dan, baby,” Phil gently said, putting the food on his bedside table. “Dan,” he said again, rubbing Dan’s shoulders. 

“Need to sleep,” Dan mumbled. 

“Please eat first, baby,” Phil said softly, sitting down next to Dan. Dan grumpily sat up and grabbed the water, downing it. Phil handed the scrambled eggs. 

“Dan?” Phil asked hesitantly. 

“Mm?” Dan responded, his mouth full of eggs. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked softly. Dan knew what that meant, he wasn’t asking how he felt in this current moment, he was asking why he starting heavily drinking again, he was asking what pushed him to do that. 

“I told you, I’m fine,” Dan responded. 

“Dan.” 

“What?” Dan snapped back. 

“Why did you do this?” 

Dan felt his throat constrict, he didn’t feel like dealing with this now. “I don’t want to talk about it,” Dan said quickly, trying not to sound on the verge of tears. 

“But, Dan, you can’t-”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it!” Dan said rather loudly, looking up with Phil, who saw Dan’s watery eyes. 

“Dan you’re-” 

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it,” Dan said through gritted teeth, tears spilling over his cheeks. Phil shuffled closer to wipe them away. Dan didn’t stop him. 

“I don’t like seeing you cry,” Phil whispered, getting teary eyed himself. Dan looked up into Phil’s eyes. They were wet, just like his own. They were so close. They could just-

_kiss._

_~_

Browned eyes peered through the crack in Dan’s door as she saw her boyfriend seal the gap in between them.   



	6. Jet Pack Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil thinks it’s Dan fault that Simone left.

Phil pulled back from the kiss, smiling. He forgot about Simone and he forgot that he can’t kiss Dan. He sees Dan smiling as well.

“How are the eggs?” Phil asked, a lot more cheerfully.

“They’re really good, actually,” Dan replied. It seemed that his mood was boosted as well.

“Do you want more water?” Phil held up Dan’s empty glass.

“I think I’m fine for now,” Dan lied. He was kinda thirsty, but if he had said yes Phil would’ve left and seen his girlfriend and he just wanted Phil to stay with him. Phil sighed happily

“I’m sorry we haven’t properly talked in awhile,” Phil started. “Simone is just here and I’m sorry for leaving you out.”

“It’s okay,” Dan replied. But it wasn’t okay. Dan was still hurt by what Phil did, or maybe by what Simone did to Phil. But he’d done shitty things to Phil as well—lots of shitty things. He was still allowed to be hurt. Phil looked down, he knew Dan was lying, he knew he had hurt Dan.

Phil pretended Dan was hurt because he didn’t pay as much attention to him as he used to, but he knew the real reason. He was never going to admit he did, though.

Phil pulled out his phone and pretended to play games until Dan had finished his food.

“Why are you still here?” Dan asked, shovelling the last spoonful of food into his mouth.

“Uh, just waiting to collect your bowl,” Phil said, taking Dan’s bowl from his hands and getting off the bed. They both knew that was a lie. “Now, um,” Phil started, bending down to kiss Dan’s cheek, “Get some sleep,” he finished before promptly leaving the room. Phil didn’t know why he had kissed Dan’s cheek.

To make Dan feel better—yeah. So Dan could feel more relaxed, that’s it. Just showing some affection for his friend.

Phil walks down the hallway, bowl in hand a small, secret smile on his face. He drops off the bowl in the kitchen then moves to the living room, where Simone is waiting, jacket on, shoes on, bag in hand.

“You leaving so soon?” Phil asked casually.

“You kissed him,” she says, quietly, not looking behind her, at Phil. Phil was speechless. He didn’t know what to say. She’d seen them? Out of all the times she decided to take a peek through Dan’s door it was for those two seconds?

“No, I didn’t,” Phil replied. He didn’t know why he was lying, he didn’t even know what was coming out of his mouth.

“You love him,” she stated, in the same blunt tone.

“No, I don’t,” Phil replied.

“Did you use to me to get over him? Is that it? Are you scared of being gay or something? Please tell me, indulge me,” she said, clearly angry.

“No, it wasn’t that—I just—he was just there and I don’t know what came over me and it just happened but it didn’t mean anything. I don’t have feelings for Dan. I just care about him. I promise it won’t happen again—I swear—”

“I hope it does happen again because I’m leaving, and you clearly have feelings for Dan.” Simone stood up, her high heels clacking against the wooden floorboards. Phil couldn’t let this happen, she couldn’t let her get away. Phil was relying on her, she couldn’t leave.

“Don’t leave, please,” Phil pleaded, panicking.

“What, were you relying on me to keep your mind out of your roommates pants? You can’t use me, Phil. You either love me or you don’t,” she said. Phil could see that she was also holding back tears, or showing any other emotion than anger.

“I do love you,” Phil bargained, not letting her through, closing the lounge room door. “You were so great to me and caring and you can’t leave me just because I made one mistake—”

“It wasn’t just ‘one mistake,’ Phil. You have feelings for your roommate and you’re only dating me because I’m not him. Don’t deny it.”

“That’s not true! Simone, please, baby, stay. I don’t love him, I don’t love him. I don’t, I can’t,” Phil said more to himself than Simone.

“No. You’ll never love me so long as he’s around,” she said sternly. She wasn’t giving in.

“Well he can move out then! I won’t talk to him!”

“That’s stupid. Why can’t you just admit you like him? He’s not going to bite.” He might.

“You can’t say that, you don’t know him.”

“You’re getting closer and closer to admitting you like him. This isn’t a therapy session, I’m not here for you to pour your feelings onto, and I’m not here so you can get over him either. I’m leaving,” She pushed past Phil. Phil just stood there as he heard her walk away. Why did Dan have to be here? None of this would have happened if he’d just not fucking made Phil fall in love with him—not that Phil was in love with him.

Phil sat down on the couch where Simone was previously sitting. He loved her. He really did. Even if he did like Dan, he liked her as well. She was perfect and lovely. He loved spending time with her, kissing her. Now she was gone. He’d never see her again, he’d never get to touch her or kiss her or hear her comforting voice. He’d never talk to her, see her beautiful petite body. She was gone and it was all Dan’s fault. Dan had taken too many things away from him. He’d made him fall for him twice, and wrecked him each time. Now he’d not only wrecked him, but something he loved. Dan was awful and horrible. He deserved to live on the streets. He didn’t deserve love or kindness. He was destructive.  

Then why did Phil love him? Why did he care for him? Why did he fucking kiss him?

It was all Dan’s fault. He had made Phil kiss him and had manipulated him into caring and loving him. Dan was sick. Dan was so awful.

Phil leaned back into the grey sunken couch cushions. He breathed.

She was gone.

And it wasn’t Dan fault. Deep down Phil knew that. He was just an idiot that couldn’t handle that he’d fucked up. That he had cheated.

He cheated, just like Dan. And it wasn’t because he was scared, it was because he just wanted to. That was worse than Dan. He did something worse than Dan and here he was saying that Dan didn’t deserve love. Of course he did, and he was going to get it. Phil felt awful, he felt guilty for thinking those things about Dan, and for cheating. He felt a sinking feeling in his chest rise up and constrict his throat. He was thinking too much. He had lost someone he loved, even if he only loved her for a short time. He had put so much trust in her, and she had pulled through. Phil trusted himself without a second thought and yet he had kissed another man. Phil realised he shouldn’t put so much trust in himself or his thoughts, he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

A few minutes later, with millions of thoughts swirling around his head, he wanted to see Dan. He wanted to tell him everything, because that’s what friends did, right? Phil shakily stood up from the couch and made his way to Dan’s room. He quietly twisted the golden handle and opened the white door to find a beautiful boy with beautiful curly hair fast asleep in his own jumper. Phil smiled. While he wanted someone to talk to, and he was disappointed he didn’t have that, he got to see such a beautiful person instead. He looked so peaceful, so warm. Phil almost wanted to slip under the grey bedsheets with him. But he couldn’t do that. That’d be weird. Well, he and Dan were intimate people so surely it’d be okay? Phil stopped himself, while it wouldn’t be that bad if he did, he just wanted to sit and cry and wallow and feel sorry for himself. He couldn’t really do that in front of his sleeping best friend. Phil slowly left the dark room, closing the door and slipping into his own room. The bed wasn’t made, it was crumpled and messy. It still slightly smelled of sex, it smelled like Simone. He really missed her. If she were just here, she could talk to him, she’d make sense of the situation. Right now it just felt like one big blur. While he didn’t want it to be a big blur, he wanted to avoid a lot of things, and if he kept ignoring them it’d still be one big blur. He just wanted to talk to someone, he wanted to think straight. Phil walked over to his black wardrobe and pulled out some sweats and an old shirt, quickly pulling them on. He looked around the room, deciding where to go next. He settled for the bed—a bad decision. As soon as he hit the covers, he smelt her. She was all over his bed. Phil crawled up his bed and let his head fall onto the pillows, pulling his green and blue covers over himself. He took a deep breath in, and on the exhale came tears. He missed her. Well not necessarily missed her, but missed the notion that he’d see her some time soon, and that he’d be able to kiss her. He missed her being his.  

He clutched the pillow, sobbing. He felt hot tears run down his cheeks. He felt pain in his chest and hiccuped. He had fucked up. He didn’t know if he was crying out of sadness or anger. Or maybe out of despair. Sad because he had lost something, angry because he had lost something, despair because he’d lost something, and he was never getting it back.

Simone meant so much to him, she was someone who he could talk to and trust– why couldn’t he just love her?

Phil was a mess, constantly switching between loving and hating Dan, and wanting to love Simone to being completely head over heels for her.

~

Dan groggily woke up, feeling a lot better than he did the last time he had woken. He stretched, finding it nice that he could do so without something in him hurting. He smiled, remembering Phil kissing him. While Phil was probably freaking out over it, Dan was incredibly happy with it. Even if it was wrong, the thought of it sent butterflies to his stomach. He wasn’t going to deny that he was very gay for his “best friend.” Dan hoped that title changed soon. It would, right? Phil kissed him, Dan didn’t kiss him. Phil did the work, that must mean something, right? Phil would end it with Simone, because he’s realised his feelings for Dan and they’d get together and then a couple of years later get married and it’d be perfect. Dan smiled and got out bed. He remembered he was wearing Phil’s jumper and gave it a sniff. It didn’t smell like Phil because it had been in his drawer for so long but it still was cozy and nice and the thought was still there. Dan cheerily skipped into Phil’s bedroom, but stopped in his tracks at what he saw. He saw Phil, curled up. His hair looked sweaty and messy, like it’s been pulled with force, and his eyelashes and cheeks were wet with tears. He looked wrecked. Did the kiss really bother him that much? Dan reached for Phil’s phone and checked the time.

_19:42_

Phil couldn’t have been there long. Dan wondered if he should wake Phil or not. He probably needed some dinner and if he went to sleep now he’d probably wake up at around four a.m. Dan made way over to Phil and laid down beside him.

“Phil,” he gently said, rubbing Phil’s arm. Phil grumbled. “Philly, you should eat something before you sleep, come on,” Dan softly told him, patiently waiting for Phil to wake. Phil shifted before waking up. As soon as they made eye contact Dan saw anger in Phil’s eyes. Phil rolled his eyes.

“Piss off,” he grumbled.

“What?” Dan asked, shocked that Phil was so grumpy.

“I said _piss off_ , get the _fuck_ away from me.”

“Oh. Okay,” Dan replied, getting off of Phil’s bed and leaving. Dan didn’t know why Phil was so angry at him,. What had he done wrong? He hadn’t done anything wrong. He didn’t kiss Phil, he didn’t tell Simone about it, so why was Phil so angry at him? Maybe Phil was just stressed about kissing Dan and recovering his feelings for him. That was surely it. Dan walked into the kitchen and began making some dinner for when Phil got hungry. He hoped Phil would get up and actually eat something. He couldn’t stay grumpy forever. Dan ended up making stir fry. He tried not to think about Phil’s little outburst and told himself over and over again that Phil loved him, and certainly did not hate him.

A couple of minutes later, Dan heard stomps coming from the hallway and he was soon greeted with a sleepy, pissed off Phil.

“I’m making stir fry for dinner,” Dan told him innocently. “Should I make a bowl for Simone?”

“She left,” Phil said weakly. Oh. That’s why Phil was so grumpy. Had she seen them kiss? That must have been it.

“Erm, I’m sorry,” Dan squeaked out.

“You better be,” Phil snapped back, opening the fridge and taking out a mini bottle of wine.

“What is that supposed to mean? I shouldn’t be sorry for anything. She’s your girlfriend,” Dan replied in a snappy tone, but not a pissy angry one like Phil’s. “It’s not my fault she left.”

Phil let out a confused angry sort of noise. “What do you mean it’s not your fault!? Of course it is.”

“The fuck? No, it isn’t! _You_ kissed me, Phil,” Dan spat back, angry that Phil would actually think that.

“You made me kiss you,” Phil argued.

“No, I fucking didn’t, I was hungover as hell, and how does one make someone else initiate a kiss anyway!?” Phil looked defeated, Dan was right. Phil just left. “I can’t believe you put the blame for you having feelings for me, for you cheating on _your_ girlfriend, on me!” Dan shouted from the kitchen. Phil didn’t know what to shout back, he usually could admit his faults with ease. “I did shitty things to you but this ain't one of ‘em!” Dan continued. Phil still kept silence. Dan knew he had won. Dan continued cooking, and when it was finished he brought Phil a plate and sat next to him on the couch. He knew Phil was already hurt from Simone leaving, so he didn’t want to rub in the fact that he liked Dan or that Dan had won that previous argument.

“What would you like to watch?” Dan asked, grabbing the remote and turning on Netflix. Phil didn’t say anything, just started eating. “You can’t stay mad at me forever,” Dan said with an apologetic smile. “What about some Westworld? You still like that right?”


	7. Novocaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan’s experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms interferes with Phil’s plans to be angry at Dan forever.

**  
**Dan couldn’t sleep. He felt like his whole body was on fire. He tossed and turned but he was just so fucking sweaty and tired and yucky. He felt gross. He wished that he were drunk so that he didn’t have to deal with this. He considered taking a shower but he didn’t want to waste water and he might have woken Phil and of course Phil was still mad at him so he’d probably yell at Dan for having a shower so late at night. Dan’s mind just kept thinking and thinking and thinking and he couldn’t make it stop. He was unbelievably tired but at the same time full of energy and alertness. He kept tossing and turning. He also considered turning on the ceiling fan Phil had installed for the summer. It was a beautiful pearly colour with a gold trim. But what if Phil got mad at him and what if it _broke_? It was unbelievably expensive. Phil would never forgive Dan. _God_ , Dan was so anxious. And irritable. He was a mix of emotions, and none of them were positive. **  
**

Dan woke that morning surprised he even could wake up. Usually, if he woke up at all, he fell asleep. Surely he hadn’t gotten more than an hour’s sleep. As soon as Dan sat up, he felt sick to his stomach with anxiety, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint what was making him anxious, but he knew he’d find something soon enough. He shakily got out of bed, his whole body trembling. He entered the kitchen to get coffee which he knew was a bad idea considering how anxious he was, but he needed something to keep him awake.

“There’s a fresh pot—” Phil started when he saw Dan fidgeting with the coffee machine.

“ _What_?” Dan shouted, very alarmed. His eyes shot towards the voice, but softened when he realised it was Phil. “Oh, thanks,” he finished, a lot less loudly and snappily. Phil quickly left after that. Dan downed three cups of coffee before heading into the lounge with a bowl of cereal. When Phil saw Dan he got up the off the couch and left. Of _course_ he was still mad at Dan. “Oh, fuck you! I didn’t even do anything and you’re so pissy with me!” Dan yelled at Phil.

Phil didn’t respond and kept walking. Dan’s head quickly was flooded with anxiety, Phil was never going to love him now! Why did he say that to Phil that was so stupid of him! Dan’s knees became very weak and his whole body shook. He dropped his bowl of cereal. Of course he’d drop it! He’s so goddamn stupid! Dan felt like crying, why couldn’t he do anything right!? Dan did start crying, he started viciously sobbing. He quickly went to the kitchen to clean up the mess he made. Dan wiped away his tears and sighed. He was going to be okay.

He showered, the warm water rushing down his back calming him. He got out not after long, wanting to stay in the shower but not wanting to waste water. He dried himself then made his way to his room. That’s when he remembered—Phil was providing _everything_. Phil was _mad_. Phil could take all of it away at _any moment_ and he probably would. Dan started sobbing again, and this time he was sure Phil could hear it. He couldn’t handle anything. He was so weak.  

Dan didn’t sleep that night. His mind was too busy creating unrealistic scenarios and planning what to do when they happened. His mind was busy thinking about everything he’d ever done wrong in past ten years of his life—which was a lot. He wasn’t surprised that he didn’t get a wink of sleep. When morning did roll around, Dan felt like a ton of bricks. He didn’t want to move from the weird position in his bed where the sunlight streamed in from the cracks of the curtains that directly hit his face, but if he didn’t move he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Dan moved reluctantly, his whole body screaming with pain. His chest felt heavy and his throat was burning from dehydration, not to mention his stomach was causing him to feel nauseated from the lack of food he’d had over the past twenty-four hours. Dan groaned but instantly regretted it, the vibrations from his voice causing his throat to remind him that it wasn’t going to stop hurting until it got some water. Dan wasn’t going to be able get sleep like this. He got up off of his bed, coughing and groaning. He stretched and moved to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and downing it. Then he raided the pantry, grabbing bags of crisps and popcorn and anything else that didn’t need to be cooked. He just stood there, eating the fuck out of everything. He downed another three glasses of water before putting everything away and stomping downstairs to have a shower and go to the toilet. He does all of it quickly and on the way out he sees Phil—and this time, Dan is the one who’s grumpy and pissed off, shoving him out of the way.

Dan couldn’t sleep that night, either. It was driving him insane. He was so restless. During the next day he managed to snag a couple hours sleep and had some food, and while doing so, he didn’t see Phil at all. Dan didn’t know if that was because Phil was still mad at him or or if it was because he was just too scared to talk to him seeing as he was so irritable.

He didn’t sleep for the third night in a row. He felt sick. He was worried, irritable, angry and not to mention everything hurt. At around one in the morning he started to feel incredibly nauseated, then at around four, he was rushing to the toilet and puking up the minimal food he had eaten in the past forty-eight hours. Even when his stomach was empty, he still felt horrible and continued retching over the toilet bowl.

“Dan?” Phil said groggily as he entered the dark bathroom and saw a shaky and sweaty Dan lying down on the cold bathroom floor. Phil saw Dan slowly open his eyes and look at him then squeeze his eyes back shut in pain. Phil rushed to the kitchen, getting Dan a huge glass of water. He sat down next to Dan and helped him onto his lap. He was soaked with sweat. Phil grabbed the water and held into Dan’s hot mouth. Dan downed the whole glass before resting on Phil’s thigh.

“I’m sorry,” Dan croaked out.

“Oh, Dan,” Phil whispered, “It’s okay. Everything's fine.” Phil softly threaded his fingers through Dan’s hair. They hadn’t been this close in what felt like forever. “I missed you.” Dan didn’t reply but contently smiled. Phil leaned on the wall behind him, feeling himself drift off. Phil looked down and saw Dan was doing the same thing.

“Simone was right,” Phil admitted.

~

Dan sleeps the rest of the night and until two pm the next day, and when he woke up Phil was still with him, playing on his phone.

“You’re still here?” Dan asked, feeling a lot better now that he’d gotten some sleep.

“I considered taking you to your bed but I could never in a million years carry you, but I didn’t want to just leave you on the bathroom floor so I figured I’d just stay here,” Phil told him.

“Thank you,” Dan said, smiling. “You could’ve just woken me up though,” Dan reminded him.

“You needed to sleep,” Phil sighed. “Pancakes?” Dan giggled and nodded.

~

Dan got better, each day he slept more and got less frustrated over little things. His craving for alcohol subsided. Each Dan and Phil got closer, rekindling their friendship, they’d spend every night entangled in each other’s arms watching some sort of movie and eating dinner. Dan would leave Phil little notes for when he got back from work on late nights. He would leave out dinner and would do his laundry and clean the house. They still called their relationship friendship, even though they both knew their feelings for the other. Neither of them had made a move, being scared to ruin what they already had. Of course the were both very happy with what they had, it was wonderful. But they both wanted to just come home to the other kissing them, and telling them they loved the other. It felt like they were back at square one, that Simone never existed and they hadn’t kissed. Dan wished they could just at least talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao remember to hit that kudos button i crave validation (comments r cool too) also my tumblr is @danplease / @phanfi-c


	8. Fourth of July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil go to see fourth of july fireworks

Dan took a deep breath through his nose. He smelled pizza, pizza, and Phil. His head was on Phil's shoulder, which was clad in a loose blue t-shirt. Dan took another deep breath and Phil's shirt suctioned to his nose. Dan shifted so that he could breathe without inhaling his shirt.

Dan’s shuffle reminded Phil that he was lying on him so he brought his hand up and gently played with his hair. A couple of minutes later, the movie they were watching ends.

“It’s only nine, do you want to watch something else?” Phil asks, reaching for the remote. Dan nods before realising Phil probably wasn’t looking at him but rather at the TV screen.

“Yeah,” Dan says, and Phil scrolls through Netflix, finding something to watch. He eventually settles on The Babadook. “Phillll, this is scaryyyy.”

“You’ll be fine,” Phil chuckles.

“I won’t!” Dan giggles back. As the opening credits show up on screen an idea pops into Dan’s head. “Hey, Fourth of July celebrations are happening soon, right?”

“Uh yeah, it’s July, Dan.”

“We should go see the fireworks then,” Dan suggested.

“It’ll be crowded.”

“It’ll be fun!”

Phil sighed, thinking about it. “Alright, it’s on Saturday. Do you want to go shopping for a new outfit for it?”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, nodding sheepishly.

~

Dan and Phil planned to go to the city at around six thirty so they had time to look around at the attractions and grab some dinner and drinks.

Of course, they were running late. Dan, only wearing a towel around his waist, was dashing around their apartment, looking for the shopping bags which held his nice new clothes.

“Phil!” Dan yelled from his room. “Where are the bags?”

“They’re in here!” Phil yelled from his room. Dan rolled his eyes.

“Where is ‘here’?” Dan laughed.

“My room, silly, can’t you hear me? There’s only a thin wall between us, Dan.” Dan wandered into Phil’s room and saw him pulling on a gorgeous, expensive sweater they had bought yesterday. “It’s going to be cold so I’d take a jacket or a jumper.” Phil smiled, looking up at Dan, freezing as he saw Dan’s bare torso, his V-line and his small, perky nipples and the faint lines outlining his abs. Dan smiled and made his way over to Phil’s bed where the bags were, fishing through them and finding the things he wanted to wear. He grabbed an oversized, metallic shirt, some jeans, and the most expensive jacket he’d ever owned, (well over a two thousand dollars). He paused to look at Phil’s outfit before leaving.

“You look stunning,” he breathed before walking away to get changed. Phil didn’t even have time to thank him before he was gone. Phil smiled to himself before putting on his grey shoes and grabbing his keys, wallet, and phone. A couple of minutes later, Dan wandered back into Phil’s room, sporting the jacket and biker jeans.

“How do I look?” Dan asked, spinning.

“Mm, the jacket is a bit much. You should tie it around your waist,” Phil suggested, walking towards him. He took off the jacket, pulling on the shirt a little, exposing Dan’s beautiful collarbones. He tied it around his waist, his big hands brushing against Dan’s crotch. “Beautiful.” His mouth was so close that Dan could feel his breath against his neck. Phil swiftly turned around and headed out of his room. “We should go, we’re already a bit late.”

Ten minutes later, they found themselves riding an Uber into the city, to somewhere near Brooklyn Bridge, seeing as the fireworks would be set off around there. The Uber car was nice enough, the beige leather seats reminding Dan of Phil’s car. Phil car didn’t smell as clean as this one, though. The driver was polite and engaged in some small talk. Dan was glad the driver wasn’t talkative. Before Dan knew it they were stuck in traffic; this ride would be a long one. They’d get there eventually, though, and Dan couldn’t wait. He was really excited for this night. e loved fireworks and he hadn’t been out with Phil in a while. It was so close to a date, it wasn’t even funny. All he needed was for Phil to kiss him. Dan would’ve kissed him—probably a week ago by now—but he couldn’t make the first move. He had to wait for Phil. If he kissed him first at this point, he’d look even more douchey than he already did. If he kissed him, Dan was scared it wouldn’t come off as genuine, but more as “lets be friends with benefits.” Of course, he’d made it obvious that he had feelings for Phil, but he didn’t know if Phil had caught on with that. Dan just had to wait, and he’d keep on waiting. He’d wait as long as needed. Dan knew they were meant for each other—the timing was just off. They just were put together too early, way too early. They both had had so much growing to do, They still did. But when they were done, Dan knew they’d be perfect for each other. He loved Phil more than anything. He was thrilled to be his best friend, being there with him through everything. And he was grateful to have Phil help him through everything. He treated Phil horribly, but now he was ready to be as honest as he’d let him be. He’d be as truthful as possible if it meant getting to wake up next to Phil again.

Phil looked over at Dan, who was staring out his window. Phil leaned over to Dan’s side of the car, placing his hand next to his, close enough that they could touch the sides of each other’s hands. Phil knew what he was doing. He wanted Dan. He didn’t know why he didn’t just do this before, before Simone.

Wait, he did, because Dan was a trust issue-riddled, self-destructive person who you couldn’t rely on for anything. But he was his favourite trust issue ruddled self destructive person who you couldn’t rely on for anything. Dan was his favourite “what if.” Dan was his best “I’ll never know.” Phil loved him.

They finally arrived in the crowded city. They both swam their way through the crowds, and after a minute or two of doing it, Dan reached for Phil’s hand, but grabbed his wrist instead. He pulled them to the side where they moved much quicker, and before they knew they had found a nice looking restaurant that wasn’t overly crowded. They took a seat outside in the courtyard out the back where there were some older groups, who were all smoking. Dan hadn’t touched a cigarette in six months. To say that the smokers were distracting was an understatement. Phil saw that Dan was clearly uncomfortable. Phil’s eyes scanned around looking for what was bothering Dan.

“Should we move?” Phil asked as soon as he spotted the smokers. Dan shook his head.

“I’ll be fine once we’ve ordered something,” Dan smiled reassuringly, telling Phil with his eyes that he didn’t have to be so protective.

Phil nodded his head and grabbed a menu from the middle of the table, browsing through it. “You hungry?”

“Kinda,” Dan replied. They talked a little after that– about the menu for a minute or two before the conversation died down and they were left in silence. Dan ordered some weird vegan dish that Phil found disgusting and Phil went with some pesto pasta. Dan expected for the night to be much more fun than it was. The car ride was quite flirty and nice, but now everything felt so formal. Dan was disappointed. While they were waiting for their food, they both were at a loss for what to do. Phil swirled the salt shaker between his fingers.

“So, fireworks at nine thirty?” Dan asked. Phil looked up, smiling. And with that the silence was lifted. Dan didn’t know what had held Phil back before, but now he was a flirty, talkative little shit. Phil brushed his hands multiple times. He didn’t know how he’d managed to do that and make them all seem like accidents, seeing as they were sitting across from each other. Dan ignored Phil’s moment of silence from a few minutes ago and went along with Phil’s little jokes and flirts.

While Dan’s heart was beating out of his ears and his stomach had reached the floor, and he was beyond happy and excited, he was still hung up on what had happened with Phil and Simone. What did the Simone Incident even mean to Phil? Did Phil even care? Dan did. It was a huge deal for Dan. He refrained from bringing it up, though, not wanting to ruin his perfect night with Phil.

Dan had never described a night as perfect, nor had he ever described a person that way, but of course with Phil, he could. He could call anything he did with Phil perfect. His meal was overwhelmly perfect, but he didn’t know if that was the chef’s fault, or Phil’s perfect smile, which turned everything it shone on beautiful.

They finished up their meal, Dan walking closely to Phil as he paid and left the restaurant. Again, they were swept up by the rushing crowd, and this time Phil didn’t hesitate to reach for Dan’s hand, holding onto it for dear life. They eventually found a clear spot in a small park. The park was beautiful. Beautiful, neon summer flowers stood out against the dark night sky, illuminated by tiny garden lights. They found a vacant bench and sat down on it, Dan swinging his leg over one side so he looked as if he was riding it. He thought Phil would do the same and face him, but instead he sat behind Dan, wrapping his arms around his torso and resting his head on Dan’s upper back.

“What time is it?” Phil mumbled against Dan’s shirt. Dan shakily pulled his phone, blushing.

“Eight thirty-two,” Dan replied, his voice sounding a lot weaker than he had planned.

“We still have an hour,” Phil said, groaning.

“Why are you groaning? Now we have time to explore the city!” Dan replied, bursting with excitement. Dan shot up off the bench and pulled Phil with him. Even though they’d both been in the city for over a year now, they both had no idea how to get to certain places, and they certainly didn’t know how to travel around the city at night, especially on a crowded night like this. Without a word they were both swept up into the never-ending stream of people, dressed in darker colours. Dan saw flecks of glitter and goldish-reddish colours among some blues, reflecting what the sky would look like in a mere hour.

Dan was closely trailing behind Phil, who was leading them through the ocean of rushing people. Neither of them knew where they were going. They just kept walking, admiring the lit up buildings surrounding them, occasionally looking to the other, their eyes lingering on each other’s bodies.

Phil and Dan didn’t know how long they’d been walking, or when their hands had come together again, but they both knew that they were enjoying themselves, even though they weren’t doing much.

Every so often, when they would take a swift turn or dodge something, their bodies would brush, or their shoulders would crash together, and butterflies would fill Dan’s stomach, and an embarrassingly large smile would paint his face.

On occasion, either of the two would point out a funny billboard or a pretty building, and they’d both look at it, exploring its every detail and pointing out things that they’d found interesting about it as it disappeared out of sight.

After what seemed like an hour of this, the pair decided to find somewhere to stop and decide where they would go from there. Phil pulled Dan into a small alley, away from everyone else. Dan panted, not realising that all the walking they’d been doing actually required breathing.

“We weren’t even running and you’re panting?” Phil chuckled, seemingly fine.

“I need to hit the gym,” Dan thought aloud. “Or get a job.”

“That’d probably be a good idea,” Phil replied, giggling. Phil was seemingly fine with the idea, but deep down he knew he was desperate for that to happen. It dawned on him that if Dan got a job, it would be another string attaching him to not only Phil but something secure and stable. “We should go somewhere close to Brooklyn Bridge, since the fireworks will be somewhere around there.”

Phil pulled out his phone and looked up where they would go. Another party of people entered the alleyway, all talking about where they’d head as well. Dan stepped closer to Phil, their shoulders touching. Dan felt his heart speed up and he hoped Phil hear it with how loud it was. Dan distracted himself by looking at Phil’s wide iPhone screen.

“What about Brooklyn Bridge Park?” Dan asked. Phil looked up at Dan, a little shocked that he’d actually suggested something. It was usually Phil who lead them everywhere. Phil smiled and looked from his phone to Dan, not realising that Dan’s face was barely an inch away. He could see all the little lines and different colours in Dan’s eyes. He could see each individual pore from this close. He could see Dan’s pink, red, and chapped lips, cracks running through the dry skin on them. Phil thought they’d be soft to kiss anyway. Phil leaned closer, if that were even possible.

“Sounds good,” Phil whispered lowly against Dan’s lips, before slowly turning around, taking Dan’s hand and pulling him into the crowd again.

Dan didn’t have  time to register what had happened before his mind was set on not losing Phil in the crowds. It didn’t take them long to get to [the park](http://cdn-image.travelandleisure.com/sites/default/files/styles/1600x1000/public/ny0915-bococa-brooklyn-bridge-park.jpg?itok=x2E9_zVE) where couples littered the grass on picnic blankets. They found an empty patch of grass, and Dan untied his two thousand dollar jacket on the damp and dirty ground for him and Phil to sit on.

They get comfortable before checking their phones to see just how long they had until the first fireworks went off. Before they had time to process that the fireworks would start any second now, they heard bangs and cheers. Startled at the noises they both turned towards each other and stared at the other in…desperation?

Dan’s face was slightly sweaty, and Phil could see the blue and red fireworks reflected against his skin and in his eyes, the fireworks mixing with the brown in Dan’s big eyes. He saw a blush creeping into Dan’s cheeks. Dan quickly turned his face, focusing on the fireworks, hoping Phil would do the same. He didn’t. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Phil staring at him. Why wasn’t he looking at the fireworks? He could look at Dan anytime he wanted! Why now, especially when he could look fireworks, something much more exciting and pretty than Dan? Dan was tempted to ask what Phil was doing, but couldn’t bring himself to do it, feeling far too embarrassed and flustered to. Instead he just stared at the beautiful colours in the sky, even though his mind was elsewhere.

Every time a firework would go off and explode in the sky, Dan’s stomach was filled with more butterflies. Happy butterflies, though. Happy butterflies.

Dan was happy. He smiled. He also smiled as he felt the warmth of Phil’s hand on his head, guiding him to face him. He saw Phil smile, too. Phil smiled for him. Phil smiled for him as he leaned closer to his face, and pressed his smile against lips. Phil smiled into the kiss. Phil grinned still, even when his lips were not pressed against Dan’s anymore. Dan, too, kept smiling.

Dan immediately looked down. So Phil liked him.

Phil didn’t say anything, finally looking at the fireworks, a proud smile plastering his face. Dan looked at the fireworks as well, silent, stunned. Before long, he felt a hand cover his own. Phil’s hand. He fought the urge to look at it; he had to seem casual. Oh, fuck it, why was he even still holding up his dumb reputation? Phil had seen all of him. He didn’t have to act anymore. He looked down and saw Phil’s hand on top of his. It felt even better being able to see it. He looked up and saw Phil looking at him expectantly. What was he expecting? For Dan to be stunned? Amazed? Did he want Dan to kiss him again? Dan decided not to kiss him again. He didn’t think they needed to; they already knew they both loved each other. A couple of minutes later, he felt a tugging at his hand and saw Phil getting up off the grass.

“Let’s go home,” Phil smiled. Dan nodded and stood up.

Forty minutes later, Dan found himself entering his apartment with Phil’s arm around his waist instead of his expensive jacket. Dan knew Phil holding him like this was worth more than any piece of clothing. They barely talked, but they were both smiling. They were giddy.

Phil let go of Dan as they took off their shoes and put everything away. Dan followed Phil upstairs, heading to their separate bedrooms. Just as their paths split and they were going into their respective rooms, Dan took a step towards Phil, sliding his arms around his neck and kissing him. Phil kissed back and put his hands on Dan’s hips. The the kiss was over and they both slunk into their own beds, the sweet warm touches still lingering on each other’s bodies.


	9. Favourite Record

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil love each other :')

Dan opened his mouth a little, letting Phil’s hot tongue breach his mouth, running across his lips. Dan gently bites down on Phil’s wet lip and pulls on it. Phil smirked, letting Dan dominate him. Phil ground upwards against Dan’s crotch, making him whimper. Phil smiled, proud of himself for making Dan feel this way in such a short amount of time.

“Fuck, Phil, I need you,” Dan begged, pulling away from Phil’s mouth and resting his head on his shoulder. Phil ground upwards again, hoping to relieve Dan a little bit. Dan clutched onto Phil’s shirt, whining. Ah, how times had changed. Dan went from an arrogant know-it-all to a decent human being who wasn’t afraid to beg. Phil lowered his head, kissing Dan’s shoulder and neck, gently nibbling on the skin there. He slid his hands under Dan’s oversized shirt, feeling Dan’s hot skin beneath him. Phil ran his hands up Dan’s belly, his hands damping from the sweat Dan was producing. Phil took his hand and placed it under Dan’s chin, tilting his head up, so he could properly look him.

“I love you,” Phil breathed. Dan smiled and kissed him, taking Phil’s hand from underneath his chin and instead putting it on Phil’s chest, holding it in his own.

“I love you, too.”

Phil had never loved anything more in his whole life. All the thoughts of Dan’s past and tendencies slipped from Phil’s mind as he continued to make out with Dan. They took it to the bedroom and twenty minutes later found themselves panting and sweating heavily, their skin pressed together, surrounded by pillows and blankets.

And so they found themselves like this, again and again and again. Like a scene played over and over and over. Or a song, specifically your favourite song. Your favourite song, repeated again and again. Phil was Dan’s favourite song, and he played him over and over again.

Dan turned around, looking at an exhausted Phil, who could barely keep his eyes open. Sweat covered his body, yet he was still bunched up in blankets.

“What are we?” he asked.

“You’re my best friend. We’re best friends, Dan,” Phil chuckled. “Now let’s sleep.” Phil smiled, wrapping his arms around his best friend and burying his face into Dan’s hair.


	10. Immortals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's mother pays a visit

Dan woke up, blissful, full of peace and sunlight. Then he remembered. “You’re my best friend.” The words floated around his head taunting him. “We’re best friends, Dan. He hadn’t even opened his eyes and he already felt like he was falling off the face of the earth. Why couldn’t he just be his boyfriend? What was he so scared of? Still, he got to kiss Phil whenever he wanted, he had sex with Phil. He cuddled Phil. He told Phil he loved him, it was nice. But Dan couldn’t hear the “I love you’s” and think they meant anything. He couldn’t think the kisses Phil gave him had any meaning behind them.

Dan stood in the kitchen doorway, looking at Phil who was happily flipping pancakes.

“You’re up early,” Dan croaked, his voice rough from sleeping. Dan smiled as he went to stand by Phil who was pouring pancake mixture onto the hot pan. Phil nodded, giddy. “Smells good.” Dan opened up their pantry and looked for toppings. He sighed, getting out the maple syrup and nutella, still thinking about last night. It was as if Phil didn’t even remember it, or maybe he was okay with being Dan’s best friend. Maybe Phil just wanted someone to kiss. Dan didn’t just want someone to kiss, he wanted to kiss Phil. He wanted to be Phil’s boyfriend, he wanted to be his. Maybe he’d have to drop some hints.

“Mm, I love you,” Dan whispered, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist.

“I’m kind of busy here,” Phil giggled as he felt Dan kiss up his neck. Dan smiled and pulled away, impressed as Phil expertly flipped a pancake into the air.

“Your pancake flipping skills are breathtaking,” Dan whispered sarcastically. Phil put the pancake onto a stack, taking it and a couple of plates into the lounge.

“Breakfast is served.” Dan grabbed the toppings and followed Phil. After eating, the pair cuddled up on the couch, covered in piles of blankets despite it being summer. Dan could still faintly smell pancakes. Pancakes and Phil. Dan cuddled closer to Phil. Despite his incessant ‘I love you’s,” Phil hadn’t said anything. Dan had been clingy all morning, not leaving his side, and constantly touching him in some place. Phil just smiled and went along with Dan’s touches. Dan had to be more daring.

“Phil?” Dan mumbled into Phil’s chest.

“Yeah?” Phil answered, his eyes not leaving the TV screen.

“I want this to last forever,” Dan breathed.

“I do, too,” Phil beamed. Dan sighed in defeat. Why didn’t he understand? Did he really not want Dan that much?

Dan’s train of thought was interrupted by the door bell ringing. He rushed out of the piles of blankets and searched around for his discarded sweatpants from last night. Once he had found them, he pulled them on and raced down the stairs, opening the door to find a middle aged woman—probably in her late forties—with big, brown, curly hair and kind brown eyes.

“Mum!” Dan almost screeched. It had been six years. He hadn’t seen this woman in six years. Emotions filled his brain that he couldn’t describe. She looked like she hadn’t aged a day. At closer inspection, he could see the dullness in her eyes, and grey streaks running through her elegant hair. He could see the dullness, accompanied with sadness, in her eyes. She was sad. Of course she was sad! Her only son had fucking abandoned her. Dan could still see a brightness in them though, atop everything, he saw a sparkle. She was seeing her son for the first time in six years.

“It’s been six years and you still haven’t learned to wake up at a reasonable time?” she teased, stepping closer to her son and ruffling his curly hair, trying to make it look reasonable.

“Well, you still look like you’re in the eighties,” Dan replied, gesturing towards her big poofy hair.

“We are in the eighties, sweetheart, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” she laughed. She tilted her head, looking at her son miserably. “I’ve missed you.” She pulled Dan into a warm hug. Dan bent down and let himself be engulfed in warmth and love from his mother. He didn’t say anything back. Saying he missed her would be stupid—he was the one who had left. He couldn’t complain about his own decision.

“Um, hello,” Phil said, walking from behind Dan. Dan stepped out of the way so his mum could see Phil.

“Mum, this is Phil, my—” fuck. Boyfriend? Best friend? Roommate? “Uh—my…” Dan didn’t have much longer before he’d end up looking stupid. Fuck it, he’d just have to say boyfriend. That’s what they practically were, right? Dan didn’t have much more time before he’d sound like he was purposely putting off calling Phil his boyfriend and therefore making him seem awkward. “My boyfriend,” Dan finished, relieved. “Phil, this is my mum, Sarah.” Dan looked at Phil, looking for any signs of discomfort. He found nothing. Phil looked complete straightfaced. Happy, even.

“Phil Lester, nice to meet you,” Phil smiled, shaking Sarah’s hand. “Would you like me to leave you two—”

“Nonsense!” Sarah butted in. “Dan, how about some tea for your darling mother who has missed you very much?” she pleaded dramatically, placing her hand on her forehead.

Dan smiled pathetically before running inside, leaving Phil with his mother. “Come in, come in,” Phil said, motioning for her to step inside. She entered the apartment, looking around at all the decorations. Phil closed the door and followed behind her.

“Would you like a tour?” Phil asked, politely chuckling.

“Oh, yes! I’d love one,” Sarah smiled. Phil led her up the stairs, into the bathroom and lounge, showing her their bedrooms. As Phil showed her the bedroom, he expected some questions as to why boyfriends would sleep separately, but she kept her mouth shut. They ended in the kitchen, where Dan had two herbal teas ready and coffee for Phil. They went into the messy lounge and sat down on the couch together.

“How’d you find me?” Dan asked, a determined look in his eye.

“Uh, I’d rather not say, Dan. Why don’t we talk about you!”

Dan happily nods. Well, not quite happily. He didn’t want to catch up with his mother, he didn’t want her to know what he’d done. But he had to, for his beloved mum.

“Uh, okay, what would you like to know?” he asked, smiling.

Sarah took a sip of her tea before speaking, “Firstly, tell me about Phil, how long have you two been together? How did you meet?” Dan thought about the question. Lying about their on-and-off relationship would be the answer. That would be easier, but he couldn’t lie to his mother. Phil looked over at Dan, unsure. Dan mouthed “it’s okay,” and patted his knee reassuringly.

“We’ve been living together for just over a year now,” Dan started, looking lovingly at Phil. “We’ve kinda had an on-and-off relationship.” Dan sighed. “I met Phil years ago, though. When we were teenagers.”

“Was it after…” Sarah trailed off, not wanting to admit that Dan had run away.

“No. We kinda lost contact for a while, then we found each other again,” Dan smiled. “What happened with you?” He wanted to avoid talking about himself.

“Uh, it’s been quite boring actually,” she started. “Your father and I divorced after you left, but I’ve remarried and I live in Iowa City. That’s all that’s really happened in the past— what? Six years? God, I really haven’t done much.” She chuckled. “How have your eight years been, Dan?” She spoke with a hint of anger in her voice. That was reasonable.

“I—um. Well, I’ve been with Phil—uh,” Dan started, struggling with what to say, did she actually want to know? Or just taunt him?

“You can tell me, Dan. I won’t get mad.” Sarah smiled. Phil looked at him hopefully, he hadn’t even been told Dan’s past, but he knew it wasn’t good.

“Well I moved from around Texas when I was seventeen, then eventually got to Illinois then to Florida. I’ve been all over the country—California, Pennsylvania, New Mexico, but the past two years I’ve been around New York, and then last year I came to the city.” Dan left out the homelessness and the drug addictions and alcoholism and that he’d been constantly broke .

“Where’d you stay?” she asked. Dan studied her face. It did look like she genuinely wanted to know. It was a face of concern and worry, not anger.

“Around—um. At homeless shelters and I—uh, stole a van with a girlfriend for like a year and a half.” He was embarrassed. He looked at her face again. It wasn’t shocked. It was a little worried, but it was mostly full of love. He looked to Phil whose face was painted with shock. “I’m fine though, and I’m thinking of getting a job soon.”

“So, Phil, you’ve been the provider in this household, you’ve paid for all of Dan’s expenses?” she questioned.

“Uh, yeah. My job pays way more than I need, even for the two of us,” Phil informed her.

“He still works overtime though,” Dan said, poking Phil.

“I’m just making sure I can handle everything s’ all,” Phil grinned. “I work at a fancy hotel a couple blocks away,” Phil said, turning to Sarah.

“Very fancy,” Dan commented. After that, the conversation came to an end. Dan knew that if it didn’t pick back up, he’d be left reflecting, and all his memories would come up again, and there would be guaranteed tears. Dan didn’t have to worry about his own emotions getting the better of him though, Sarah was already going through that. Slowly and quietly sobbing. Dan put his mug down and rushed over to her side, sitting close to her. Phil left the room, but Dan ignored him. “Mum?”

“I just missed you so much,” she said, looking up at the ceiling and wiping under her eyes. “Why did you leave me? I loved you so much, you loved me so much!”

Dan took a deep breath. He’d spent ages thinking about why he had done what he’d done. He knew why. He didn’t have to lie.

“I just—I’d met Phil and I just. I was too up my own ass to talk to him so I didn’t and that just had me broken and then everything just piled up and I was stressed and then I thought it’d be easier if I didn’t have connections with anyone. Then I wouldn’t be so sad, but at the same time I didn’t think I deserved to have connections so I just kinda self destructed and left.” It didn’t make much sense, what with his words mixing with each other. Dan felt his own eyes well with tears. “I’m sorry I left, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you.” He let out a shaky sigh.

“I’m just glad you finally told me.” Dan heard Phil walk in with some glasses of water and tissues and put them down on the table in front of the pair. Dan met Phil’s eyes and mouthed a “thank you,” his eyes filled with adoration. Phil quickly left the room. “I wish I could stay, but I’m actually have dinner with an old friend in an hour and you know how bad the traffic is here,” Sarah croaked out, sitting up. “I’m sorry to leave on this note. I feel like we haven’t really gone through everything yet. But please, we’ll have dinner tomorrow? Or the day after?”

“Tomorrow sounds good,” Dan smiled, taking a tissue, blowing his nose and wiping his eyes. The pair left the room, seeing Phil waiting for them.

“I didn’t want to intrude,” Phil excused himself. They both laughed at his politeness. Dan got Sarah’s number and the hotel she was staying at before sending her off, kissing her cheek and saying goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!! comments are really nice!! and kudos too


	11. Twin Skeletons (Hotel in NYC)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil realises that relationships don't work without trust

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that,” Phil said, breaking the silence. They were back on their couch, sitting close together, but not touching.

“I’m not like that anymore,” Dan replied after a few moments. He had to make sure Phil understood that, he had to make sure Phil wouldn’t leave him because he thought Dan was still like that.

“I know you aren’t,” Phil said, placing a reassuring hand on Dan’s knee. Phil knew this. He believed this. At least he wanted to. “You love me.”

“I love you,” Dan smiled, turning to Phil and collapsing onto him in a hug. “I should probably text mum,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s chest. Phil nods but doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t want Dan to leave his embrace just yet. “Phil?”

“Yes, Dan?”

“What about your parents? I’ve heard you on the phone with them, and you text them, and I know they exist, but you’ve never travelled to see them?”

“They live in England, and as much money as I have, England is very expensive, and I’d be taking a lot of time off work to see them so it’s kinda hard to see them. I love them though; they’re fantastic. We should phone them together some time.”

“That sounds nice.”

“And I do see them every three or four years, so maybe this Christmas we could…see them?” Phil offered, a bit scared. They’d only just gotten back into the swing of things, he didn’t want to scare Dan off.

“Um, I’ll think about it,” Dan said, looking up and smiling. Phil knew that meant “no thanks,” but he appreciated Dan’s respectfulness about it. Dan climbed off of Phil and headed to the lounge’s door.

“Where are you going?” Phil asked quickly.

“Just getting my phone,” Dan smiled as he left to go to their bedroom. Dan returned minutes later, wallet, phone, and keys in hand. “I’m just going to the shops to get some milk. We’ve run out,” Dan informed Phil. Phil immediately shot up from his spot on the couch and started putting on his shoes.

“I’m coming.”

“Why? I’ll only be a couple minutes,” Dan questioned.

“I just, uh, want to be with you,” Phil said, smiling fakely. Phil had known for a while now—well a couple days—that he didn’t trust Dan. The realisation had hit him like a brick. He loved Dan, but didn’t trust him. He was scared Dan would leave him again, even though he knew Dan wouldn’t—that’s what he wanted to believe. Phil caught himself being controlling with where Dan went, and where he went. Dan rarely left the house, but when he did, Phil always went with Phil. Phil just wanted to trust him.

“Mm, okay.” Dan nodded, taking Phil’s hand and dragging him out the door. Dan brushed off Phil’s fake smile and the overly cheery and affectionate voice, he was probably feeling a bit down and wanted to cover it up. That’s all Dan could think of as to why Phil would fake being cheery to Dan. Dan didn’t think about it again, just enjoying Phil’s presence.

~

A week later Dan was dressed in a sparkly suit jacket and skinny jeans, waving his new iPhone 7 about, snapping pictures of the bright, sparkly city as they wandered through it, looking around for their destination. Well, at least, Phil was looking. Dan was too caught up in the beautiful buildings that surrounded him, and of course his new phone and it’s camera, taking photos of everything he found that looked pretty (he’d taken several of Phil, ‘“the most beautiful thing on my camera roll!”).

He and Phil had been walking for only a couple of minutes but Dan had accumulated around thirty photos. Phil was happy to see Dan so happy, even if he wasn’t so happy himself. Phil wanted to forget his recent thoughts and just enjoy himself and this view of Dan. Of course, seeing Dan like this had lifted his mood, but he couldn’t get Dan consume his thoughts like he usually did. After Phil realised he didn’t believe that Dan would never cheat on him again, he’d been in a constant slump. He was searching for a hint in Dan’s body language, in his voice, in his words, that he was cheating. He looked through his phone on the daily, searching for anything that could mean Dan was lying about something, anything. He found nothing. It wasn’t like he had wanted to find something, but at the same time, he did. Just so that he could get the heartbreak over and done with and permanently remove Dan from his life. The thought made him sick to his stomach, but at the same time, it was relieving. All these thoughts swirled around his head. He just wanted it to be over, either the not trusting Dan, or just this relationship. This relationship wasn’t perfect, far from it, but it was Phil’s, and Phil truly believed it was the only one he’d ever be satisfied with. Even if it meant going through hell to get to a point where they trusted each other. Phil decided not to tell Dan this; he didn’t want to ruin his mood. He might tell him when this sick feeling passed, because it would pass, and everything would be okay.

Over the course of a month, they had shared lots of sweet moments that neither of them would forget. And that month turned into three, and those three months turned into  twelve. And those twelve months turned into eighteen.  

~

“Pass the red pillow,” Phil asked, his voice muffled by Dan’s hair. They were both out on their balcony with every pillow and blanket they owned. Despite it being well below zero, and Phil was outside in nothing but an old shirt and boxers, and he felt very warm. He could feel Dan’s warmth radiating off of him, and into the space around them, trapped by the seventeen blankets and twenty-three pillows. Dan was resting his head high on Phil’s chest, his curly hair acting as a scarf. He grabbed a red square pillow and handed it to Phil, who shoved it behind his head. “Thanks.”

They lay there in silence as they had for the past few hours. Phil wasn’t tired at all; he could admire Dan all day. He’d had Dan in his life for two and a half years now, and they’d been in an on-and-off relationship for that whole time. The past year itself had been tricky. They’d fought for weeks at a time, they’d teetered on the edge breaking up. They had broken up, (but it was only for a few hours so did it really count?) But they were still here, together. And they still loved each other. Nevertheless, Phil didn’t trust Dan. He’d learned to live with it, now. Dan had been loyal. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Why couldn’t Phil just let it go? And even after all this time, Dan still didn’t know that Phil didn’t trust him. Dan turned on his side, looking up at Phil who was concentrating on the empty navy sky.

“What are you thinking about?” Dan whispered, shuffling forwards so that he was at eye level with Phil. Phil quickly looked down at Dan, smiling.

“You.” It wasn’t a complete lie, but Phil could definitely have extended his reply. “I’m always thinking about you.” Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he keep his answers vague? Why did he have to lie to Dan so much?

“In a good way?” Dan asked, grinning. Phil shook his head. What was he doing?

“No.” What did he just say?

“That was sarcastic, right?” Say yes. Tell him you love him. Tell him you trust him.

“No.” Why the fuck did you say that?

“Phil?” Dan asked, his voice weak and suddenly closed. “Phil?” he repeated, his voice even smaller than before.

Don’t say anything, Phil thought. Don’t tell him that you don’t trust him. Phil couldn’t come up with anything else to say. He couldn’t think of a way to redeem himself. So he left. He pulled himself out of the warm pile and went inside. He searched for his bedroom, settling down is his stripped bed, laying in the middle of the bright blue fitted sheet. Phil closed his eyes. What had he done? He heard footsteps, approaching their bedroom. Phil blinked open his eyes and saw Dan standing in their doorway, eyes red and bottom lip trembling. Please don’t cry.  

“I th-thought you…I—I thought you loved me,” Dan choked out, trying his hardest not to burst into tears.

“I do love you, Dan.” At this Dan crumbled, tears gushing out his eyes, his face patchy and snot pouring out of his nose, ugly sobs echoing throughout the room. Phil just looked at him, emotionless.

“Why are you just lying there?” Dan screamed. “What happened?”

“I don’t trust you.”

“Trust me? Phil? Really? You made freak out, you made me think you didn’t love me just because you couldn’t admit that you don’t trust me?” The anger was clear in his tone, and tears were still pouring from his eyes. “Is it because I cheated on you? Is it because I cheated on you nearly three years ago?! Is that it, Phil?”

Phil nodded, still not showing any emotion.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Dan continued. “You kept this secret for years! And you didn’t tell me? I trusted you to tell me everything! I told you everything, Phil. I haven’t lied to you for years. I’ve become so vulnerable for you, and yet you won’t do the same for me?” His fists were balled at his sides.

Phil turned over, not wanting to look at Dan. He was right, though. Phil was in the wrong here.

“You were thinking you were the one going through hell, weren’t you?,” Dan accused. “You were thinking that it was so easy for me, because I got to date a perfect guy, and you were the one stuck looking after the troubled, fucked up mess. Well you aren’t so perfect either, Phil.” Dan was right. Phil needed to improve, too. “This relationship is never going to work if you don’t put effort in as well. We wouldn’t be here if you’d just told me that you didn’t trust me. We could’ve worked on it, I could’ve helped you. You’ve ruined everything.”

“STOP!” Phil shouted, shooting up from the bed. “I get it! I’m awful and horrible.” Phil didn’t know how to fix this. There was no way out. So, he took the only route he could see. He climbed off the bed, shrugged on some pants and shoes and left the building, leaving Dan alone, still crying.

“We’ll fix this,” Dan whispered to himself. “We always do,”

~

Phil walked out of the apartment complex, running  to the nearest ATM. He stopped at the glowing red booth, quickly getting out his credit card. He had to do this quickly before he died from frostbite. Fucking December weather. Phil was asked how much he’d like to withdraw. He glanced at his balance, seeing around ten thousand dollars. He withdrew all of it. It took all of about fifteen minutes for the ATM to stop spewing money at him. Phil didn’t even know you could take that much money out. With all the money in both of his hands and the rest in his pocket, he raced back to his apartment, not wanting to miss Dan, who was probably preparing to leave.

“Dan!” Phil yelled racing up the stairs.

“Phil!” Dan cried, his voice high-pitched as he ran down to the ground level, looking for Phil. Dan immediately hugged him, but he didn’t reciprocate. “Phil, I know said shitty things and I’m really sorry but we can get through this! We always do, Phil, just let me show you!” Dan’s eyes were sparkling with hope. Phil almost believed him.

“We can’t, Dan. It won’t work.”

Dan looked at him, puzzled. “What do you mean? We’re meant to be together, Phil!”

“No, Dan. You have to leave,” Phil stated. Phil took a few steps and showed Dan the hundred hundred-dollar notes. “This is all I had but it should last you awhile. Long enough for you to rent an apartment and find a job somewhere.” Phil pulled more notes from his sweatpants’ pockets.

“Why are you doing this?” Dan asked, looking down at the money.

“I want you to be happy…happy without me,” Phil told him, smiling.

“Why are you smiling?” Phil didn’t answer Dan’s question. He couldn’t tell him that he was relieved that the love of his life was leaving him.

“I’ll grab a bag,” Phil said, rushing to his bedroom and pulling out a big black bag and shoving the money in one of the side pockets. He then rushed to Dan’s old room and grabbed his laptop, his phone, his wallet, and—no, not the keys—some books. And a candle. He didn’t know why he had grabbed the candle, though he hoped Dan would like it. He skipped to the kitchen, grabbing all his unopened cereal boxes. As he made his way back to Dan, he pulled out his phone and deleted the other man’s number.

He approached Dan, who was silently crying. “All packed,” Phil said, handing Dan the bag. Dan took it, still crying. He lingered, staring at Phil’s lips before walking away and out the door.

Phil resisted the urge to open the door again and at least watch Dan walk away. Phil sighed. An hour ago, he was tense and warm. Now, he was cold and relieved.

_~ three years before ~_

_Phil stared at the gold walls of the hotel lobby, looking around, bored as ever. His eyes landed on the people around him—the people in line, waiting to book a room. His eyes landed on the crystal chandelier, the fake candles on it shining brightly. Then his eyes landed on something that looked very out of place: brown eyes. The brown eyes contrasted nicely with the gold splashes around the room. They looked out of place, but beautiful nonetheless._

_Phil’s eyes wandered to the body that accompanied the beautiful eyes. It looked familiar. Dan. Dan, the boy Phil hadd fallen in love with seven years ago and couldn’t get enough of. Dan kept showing up in his life, again and again. The first time was when he was eighteen and he was still in high school. The second was a year later when they’d seen each other at a bar in Tennessee and Dan had been  drunk out of his mind.  They had kissed. Then, Phil had woken up in his bed, alone again. That’d happened many times over the course of seven years, but this time, Dan had shown up and Phil wasn’t going to let him go. Phil was determined to keep him, to actually date him. Phil didn’t really know what Dan was like. He knew he was good at one night stands and that he seemed to appear everywhere Phil was. Another thing Phil knew about Dan was that he caused him great pain. The number of times he’d been hung up about Dan, left with nothing but sheets that smelled sex, was incalculable. Not a even phone number or an address. But Dan was only causing him pain because he wasn’t there. ****If he could just get him, even just a number, everything would be alright, and Phil would be happy._

~

Now that Dan had left, Phil wasn’t happy. He knew he’d be happy if he could get Dan off his mind. If Dan had never existed. Then he’d be happy. He was stupid to think a boy who’d tortured him for over ten years would ever bring him happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuckin finally over


End file.
